


Line of Best Fit

by sunsetmog



Category: The OC
Genre: College, M/M, st andrews
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-10
Updated: 2011-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-31 02:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/338994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/pseuds/sunsetmog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was just that kid from school who no one really spoke to, and one morning he woke up so sick of Newport that even Ryan wasn't enough to keep him there anymore. - Or, the one where Seth goes to university in Scotland*. </p><p> </p><p>*Yes, I wrote a St. Andrews AU. Again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Line of Best Fit

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/60419.html) in February 2011, and written approximately 2005-6.
> 
> Beta by asmallbluedot. Thank you, bb! This was mainly written 4-5 years ago and I recently unearthed it from the depths of my hard drive after deciding to rewatch s1. It's been tidied up a bit and given an ending, but mostly it is how I left it four years ago. I would imagine that it counts as an AU from about the end of s2, although it does contain reference to a couple of things that happen at the beginning of s3, I think, which is about when I stopped watching. Writing this feels about a million years ago.

But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize  
When he catches his reflection on accident  
 _ **Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie**_

Seth really didn't know who was more surprised when he told his parents he wanted to go to school in Scotland, his parents or Seth himself. 

It wasn't something he'd always wanted to do or even something he'd been thinking about for a while. He couldn't trace his ancestry back to the Mayflower and further back to Edinburgh or Manchester or Plymouth and beyond. He was just a kid from California who listened to far too much music and read far too much into the lyrics and kept too many well-thumbed paperbacks on the shelf inside his closet. He was just that kid from school who no one really spoke to, and one morning he woke up so sick of Newport that even Ryan wasn't enough to keep him there anymore. 

He'd been sitting outside the guidance counselor's office at Harbor, one interminable Wednesday afternoon during that long, difficult period after Trey got shot and Marissa got expelled and Seth finally realised that his life was even more like a soap opera than he could enjoy. Slumped in the chair and bored of the career magazines and healthy eating fliers, he'd noticed the poster on the wall opposite. _Study Overseas,_ it suggested, above pictures of Paris and London, but Seth hated following the crowd and he'd crossed both Paris and London off his mental list of possible places to go to school even before he'd been called into the counselor's office and had to spend another forty-five minutes of his life trying to convince the guidance counselor that he was a-okay. 

Seth being Seth and not one to do things by half, he'd gone to the bookstore right after school got out and spent an hour in the travel section. He narrowed his search from _as far away from here as possible_ to English-speaking destinations after he realized he might have to understand French well enough to actually write papers. Seth was pretty good at bullshitting, but even he doubted his capabilities in another language. He bought a UK travel guide and spent the rest of the evening reading articles on the internet about going to school in Britain. He spent about four seconds debating whether to tell Ryan he was going, but by the time he'd taken his courage in both hands and headed downstairs to the kitchen, Ryan was arguing with Sandy about his own finances for college, and neither seemed to notice Seth's arrival in the room. Which was kind of crappy, Seth thought, considering one place he'd never really seemed invisible was in his own house. 

Seth detoured to the fridge and poured himself some juice and went back up to his computer to read about credits. Ryan was always busy at the moment - off fighting Marissa's corner for her because no one else was - Summer was getting it back on with Zach, his mom was drying out in some clinic and his dad was trying to hold everything together. Seth was back being lonely and spending his evenings in his bedroom like the past two years had never even happened. 

~*~

Picking Scotland was a pretty random decision, apart from the fact that it was even more difficult to get to than London. The university was older than his country, which kind of made Seth feel small and insignificant. He was sick to death of vying for a leading role in his own stupid life, so he scrolled through the university website and felt the beginnings of warmth creep through his belly. 

Seth spoke to a couple of his teachers and filled in all the forms. He didn't bother applying for any of the other schools he'd always thought he might end up at - Brown, Boston University or any other school that was only half a country away and not on the other side of the world. 

He thought about what he might say when his friends asked him where he'd applied, but none of them asked. He thought again about telling Ryan, but Ryan was one of his so-called friends who hadn't asked him about college, so Seth just continued with the applications and tried not to think about where things had gone weird. 

Marissa still wasn't back at Harbor, and even though Seth was pretty sure that Marissa and Ryan were over for good, asking Ryan to think about anything other than Marissa's problems was too much like hard work. Summer was back to treating him like a nobody again, something to do with Seth being a dick and reminding her too much of that awful night they'd seen Marissa wielding a gun. 

Seth swallowed. He was sick of Newport and sick of California and right now America wasn't big enough for him to escape everything that had happened in the last year. He wanted to go someplace where the website said _'If you are used to temperatures of above thirty degrees, then you are in for a chilly time'._ Seth figured out what that was in Fahrenheit, shivered, and did another re-write of his application form.

~*~ 

When his acceptance letter came, Seth gave it to his mom. 

Kirsten was home and dry and overcompensating, but when she read the letter she cried and told Seth she didn't want him to go. Seth bit his lip and left the letter on the table for Sandy to read when he got back from surfing. He took his skateboard and bummed up and down the pier for a couple of hours. He didn't think about Scotland once. 

Sandy was waiting for him the kitchen. 

Seth tried to explain what Newport meant to him, what it represented. He tried listing dead grandfathers and undiscovered half-aunts who dated foster-adopted-brothers (which, dude, meant Ryan could have been Seth's uncle) and too many drugs and far too much alcohol and too many run-ins with the police. He tried to explain that it didn't matter how much Seth loved his parents, he was going crazy here and he needed to get out before he broke into little bits, like Marissa. 

And at no point during his breathless explanation of his hows and whys and wherefores did Seth mention Ryan, and how Ryan had moved on and forgotten him and left him behind, and how more than anything else in the whole wide world, Seth couldn't stay here and watch that happen any longer. 

Sandy nodded and Kirsten started crying again and Sandy wiped his eyes. 

Seth looked out of the window at the swimming pool and wondered why he didn't cry. 

~*~

Summer was speaking to him again, which made school just that bit more bearable. One day she sat down beside him, started applying lip gloss and told him that hers was a tall, skinny latte. Seth went and lined up at the coffee stand because _hello_ , _Summer_. She poked him in the leg with one perfect fingernail and told him that if he wanted to come around and watch _The Valley_ that evening she had a gap in her schedule. 

Seth turned up wearing his new t shirt, which said _hustle, loyalty, respect_ across the chest. He'd got it from Hot Topic and it probably meant something if you were into wrestling. Seth was turning into the type of guy who was all about the subtext, though, and right now he had things to say and he seemed to have forgotten how to vocalize what it was he was thinking. Clothing seemed to say it better than he ever could. 

Summer seemed to get it, but she just rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever, Cohen."

She gave Seth the best spot on her couch, though, the one with the best view and the best access to the popcorn, and Seth sort of thought that that was as much of an apology as he was going to get for her freaking out and leaving him and trying to forget he existed after Trey got shot. 

He wasn't planning on telling her he was leaving, but by the time the episode finished and Summer had put in the DVD so he could catch up on the episodes he'd missed, she had her head on his shoulder and his chest ached from it all. After the titles played he smoothed her hair (she batted his hand away and said " _Seth!_ ") and said he'd been accepted to school in Scotland and his major was going to be English and History and he was leaving at the beginning of September for four years. 

Her fingers tightened around his sleeve. 

Seth closed his eyes and felt closer to tears than he had in months. "It's closer to London and Paris than California is, you could come visit _,_ "he said. He stroked her hair again, but she didn't say anything, just buried her face in his shirt. 

Summer said, "I'm sorry I flaked out on you."

Seth hugged her awkwardly, arm around her shoulder, dragging her closer. "It wasn't just that," he said eventually. He thought of Ryan, Marissa, Summer and Seth. The four of them. Those few months when he'd thought they were in it together for the long haul. He hugged her harder.

"It's a long way to go." Her voice was muffled against his shirt. 

Seth thought of isolated Russian huts and settlements in the Himalayas and sheep farms in the empty wilds of Australia. "It isn't far enough," he said. 

Summer went quiet and turned the volume up on the TV.

Summer was still seeing Zach and Seth thought he should at least _care_. He should have been planning to split them up and win her back and best Zach at his own game. But—he wasn't. Maybe there was something to be said for just wanting Summer around. 

Maybe they'd all changed. 

Seth kissed Summer on the mouth, soft and sweet. She kissed him back for a moment before pulling away and wiping her mouth carefully on her sleeve. "I'm with Zach," she said, but her voice shook. 

"I'm leaving the country." Seth said, and he kissed her again. 

~*~

When Seth got home he went outside and sat down by the edge of the pool. He lay on his back with his hand trailing in the water and stared at the night sky until he got cold and started to shiver. 

He tried not to look at the pool house, empty and silhouetted against the darkness. 

Everything waited for Ryan.

~*~

Seth kept putting off telling Ryan he was leaving. 

His parents kept watching him sadly, but Seth just couldn't do it. Ryan was making such a big deal of supporting himself through college, and was refusing to apply unless he was sure that it was what he wanted, and that he could live up to Sandy and Kirsten's expectations. Seth wanted to tell him to sit back and take whatever his parents were offering, because Ryan was smart and intelligent and would do really well in college and would probably be able to pay Kirsten and Sandy back ten-fold by the time he finished up and actually got a job. Plus, Seth knew his parents and they'd only buy another 4x4 or plumb in another bathroom or give it all away anyway, so Ryan really ought to just take the money and run. Still, Ryan had all these ideas about being beholden to people and proving his worth and he kept trying to get Kirsten and Sandy to agree to him taking a year off and working as proof he would pay them back for their college tuition. 

Seth listened to the discussions with half an ear, watching as Ryan steadfastly held to his position and his parents gently yielded to his point of view. 

He went upstairs and started making a CD for Ryan, a CD that would explain why Seth was so fixated on leaving. It was a cheap way out and Seth knew that CDs were old school as far as Newport was concerned. It should have been an mp3 playlist loaded onto Ryan's iPod, but so far Ryan had avoided becoming part of the iPod generation and Seth was beginning to venerate the CD in the same way he did vinyl. He started with Death Cab's _Brothers on a Hotel Bed_ \- which probably said a lot about Seth's mental state - until he realized it sounded like a declaration of love just from the title alone, so he moved it partway down the playlist and decided against giving Ryan a CD inlay for him to analyze. Not that Ryan _would_ , but that wasn't the point. Seth didn't want to give him the opportunity.He moved Jeff Buckley's _Hallelujah_ up the playlist to open the CD. Rufus Wainwright reminded him of his Grandfather's wedding and sailing out of the bay, reminded him of Ryan leaving and his iPod playing it on repeat as he didn't look back at Newport fading into the distance. Jeff Buckley meant that somehow it was his goodbye and not Ryan's. 

He wanted to pick songs that told Ryan that having Ryan come into his life was pretty much the best thing that had ever happened to Seth, that having Ryan move in had changed his life and made it better - not because it had changed things so that it ended up with Seth and Summer getting together, which Seth had wanted since he'd heard Summer read her poem aloud in elementary school, but because it ended up with Seth and Ryan. Best friends. Seth wouldn't change any of that for a million bucks, or backstage passes to his favorite band's show or for a trip in a time machine so he could go back and hang out with the beat writers and do the whole Jack Kerouac thing before all the kids were doing it. 

He couldn't find the right lyrics to say exactly what he wanted to say, so he made the best of it and filled a CD. 

And when Seth had finished compiling the CD and he'd burnt it and put it in a green jewel case, he went out to the pool house and handed Ryan the box. He said, "I'm going to school in Scotland," and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

Ryan didn't say anything, but a muscle twitched in his cheek and he stared at the CD for longer than Seth considered strictly necessary. Seth had drawn on the CD with permanent marker, scrawling _Ryan_ in big, cartoon letters across the top of the CD. He'd deliberately left off the track listing. 

Ryan clenched his jaw and said, "Why didn't you tell me before?" 

Seth wanted to say _when?_ but instead he just said "I made you a CD," which was kind of obvious and didn't answer Ryan's question. Seth knew that, okay, things had changed recently and Ryan had forgone Ryan and Seth time in favor of Ryan and Marissa time, or just Ryan time, or Ryan and Kirsten and Sandy time, but still. They had kind of been each other's saviors and now Seth was leaving. 

Seth knew that Ryan was notably not very vocal at the best of times. He watched Ryan swallow and look the other way and sit down on the step. Finally, Ryan said, "Seth, you're my best friend."

Seth nodded, and just said "Me too, I mean, you're mine too. The best I've ever had, actually," whereas Ryan could actually do the minimalism thing, whenever Seth tried it just ended up being _wordy_. 

Seth was too young to feel this old. 

~*~

Graduation came and went and then it was summer and all too soon it was time for Seth to get ready to leave. He packed his Nintendo and he carefully copied all his CDs onto his new laptop and onto his iPod. He spent the best part of an afternoon staring at his DVD collection and picking out the most necessary discs - filling a CD wallet and leaving the empty boxes in his closet. He took a pile of well-read paperbacks, stuffed a handful of photos into an envelope and down the side of a box with some new sweaters (from his Mom) and a blanket (from The Nana). He packed too many t-shirts and not enough jackets - his Mom ordered him a black wool coat from this place in New York, and he had to try it on in blazing August heat by the side of the pool. Ryan stared at him for a long moment as he stumbled out of the pool house in the direction of the kitchen. His dad gave him the money to get a new cell phone when he got there, to go with his new laptop, and gave him overly simplified instructions on how to set up a British bank account and get a contract for his phone. Seth took one look and stuffed the instructions into his suitcase. 

Summer came round the afternoon before Seth left to say goodbye, coming to his bedroom and hugging him too tightly and kissing him quickly before running downstairs. Seth watched her leave from his window, watched her climb into Zach's car and drive away. 

His chest didn't feel as tight anymore.

He went to the Bait Shop that evening, looking for something to fill the gap until he had to leave for the airport. Marissa was there, still hanging with the kids from her new school and looking kind of like she fitted in. Seth saw her from the bar and raised his glass. Marissa watched him for a long moment, silent. She nodded, and waved awkwardly. Seth waved back, but didn't go over.

Even thought Marissa and Ryan weren't together anymore and Marissa was conducting her own version of West Side Story for the second time in three years, there was still _something_ between Seth and Marissa. Something Ryan-shaped. Too much gun-toting, brother-shooting, Ryan-loving, territorial attachment to be friends again right now. Anyway, Seth read too much into it all. He'd watched too many movies and read too many comic books.

Seth sometimes thought that he and Marissa were too similar. Marissa drank to make it hurt less; Seth left the country. 

He wished he could take more breaths, but as it got closer to leaving Ryan, he felt his chest tighten in a strange, painful mixture of desperation and relief. He wanted it to hurt less, he needed to leave. 

~*~

Ryan wouldn't go with him to the airport. He was leaving himself in a couple of days - for a six month internship at an engineering firm in San Francisco. He flat out refused to go to college until he had more of a fixed idea what he was going to do when he got there, he'd said, ignoring Kirsten and Sandy's protestations that finding out what you wanted to do with your life was what college was _for_. So, internships it was, and Sandy and Kirsten were setting him up with the best. 

Seth ended up in the pool house at ass o'clock in the morning, just before he was supposed to leave with his parents for his flight. Ryan was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling, fully dressed. 

"I'm going," Seth said, finally. 

Ryan nodded. "Are you ready?"

"You know me," Seth said, nervously, "I'll have forgotten something important."

"Got Captain Oats? Your iPod? Airplane tickets?"

Seth smiled. "Yep."

"Well." Ryan sighed. "You've got everything you need."

 _Not everything_ , Seth thought. He bit his lip, looking around the room. It was still almost hot, despite it being the middle of the night, and he itched to be out of California. 

"Did I ruin things for you?" Ryan asked, finally. "Do you wish I'd never come here?"

Seth shook his head. "Are you kidding me? You're the best friend I've ever had. You coming here was the best thing that ever happened to me, dude." Seth shrugged. "Before you came, I was so fucking lonely, you wouldn't believe."

Ryan sat up in bed. He rubbed his face with his hand. He looked exhausted. "Seth, why are you going?"

Seth shrugged and remembered how he used to be able to talk. He wanted to say, _because my life revolves around you. Even when I loved Summer and you loved Marissa, everything in my life was still about you. Because you came along and fucking saved me and you didn't even know what you did. You didn't know that I couldn't have carried on like that, that you were my fucking savior. I was just this fucking stupid loser kid who listened to too much music and read too many comic books and who could go a whole day at school without anyone saying a single word to me. You came along and made everything better but you didn't make **me** better. _

_When you're not here, I'm still the same Seth Cohen, the same loser kid who fucks everything up. The only thing Newport's got going for it is the fact that you're here. And Summer. But Summer really only counts when you're here, because without you there wouldn't **be** a me and Summer. _

_But mostly, it's you. Because I love you, and most of the time it's the normal, best friend, brother kind of love, but sometimes I just look at you and I want to touch you. Once I wanted to kiss you, just to see what it was like, and I've got to get away before I fuck us both up by doing something irredeemably stupid like only I could do. Plus, you know. I need to get away._

Seth opened his mouth, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Instead, he kicked the couch leg and said, "You should come visit me. I'll show you around. Once I'm settled."

Ryan nodded. "That'd be good."

Seth swallowed, and nodded, and said "Don't do anything I wouldn't, Ry."

Ryan smiled. His face looked shadowed. "I hope it works out for you."

Seth's fingers itched. His mom called him from the kitchen, "Seth, time to go."

He didn't look back. 

~*~

Seth had been in Scotland six whole days before he got the internet in his dorm room hooked up. He'd spent one whole day sleeping, emerging half-awake into the hallway one evening to find himself carried along on a pajama-clad pub crawl. He'd met his dorm mates and learnt that he'd been pronouncing Edinburgh wrong, like, his whole life. They'd laughed at him and he'd laughed back and it had sort of been okay. 

He'd lined up to pay his fees and to have his photo taken for his ID card, and he had to remind himself to call it his matriculation card without taking a couple of seconds to think about it. 

He realized that his Newport upbringing had its upside when he heard his new friends pointing and laughing at the other new American students passed out on the sidewalk after indulging too heavily in legal alcohol. Seth could definitely hold his own when it came to drinking, although at the back of his mind he could still see his mom swigging from the vodka bottle and then he put his glass down and tried not to miss her. 

Everything was so different here; so much smaller, so much more grayer, so much _better_ than Newport. He didn't miss living in California at all. He wandered around the grocery store in sheer amazement at the _size_ of everything. The local metro supermarket was about the size of Casa Cohen - no kidding - and it was so stupid it had to be funny. He went to the Student Union on Friday night and danced to stupid pop songs - half of which he had never heard of - and kissed a girl whose name he didn't catch but who had tasted like cigarettes and sweet peach schnapps. She was sweet and he was drunk, and they danced and had fun for an evening. He started out calling his hall his _dorm_ , and he only understood his mistake when his new friends laughed at him over dinner, and told him that he was in hall, now. Not the hall, or his hall, but _hall_. It sounded weird to him at first, like he was leaving a word out, but everyone else said it like that so he tried to remember. 

Seth had thought that he'd had enough of people laughing at him in his life, but there was something different about this. There weren't any water polo players entertaining each other at his expense for a start; his friends laughed at him, but they laughed at everybody else too - it was friendly ribaldry that cemented his enjoyment right from the start. 

He got talking to a girl called Katie, who had the room opposite him on his floor in hall. She was from Wales, and Seth loved her accent so much he kept asking her questions just so he could hear her talk, over and over. She smiled at him and laughed, and introduced him to this guy, Matt, who had a room the next floor up. He liked the way Matt talked too, all short vowels and rounded corners. Seth only realized how shitty his geography was when he had to ask him whether Yorkshire was in England or not. Matt just snorted and hit him around the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. Seth kind of flinched, which was embarrassing, but he didn't grow up in Newport going to Harbor and get this far in life without learning to expect that the first blow - however soft - wouldn't be followed by more. 

Matt looked at him quizzically for a moment, then suggested they go to the pub. 

Seth couldn't get used to the pubs. He couldn't imagine going to a bar at eleven in the morning and having it be okay and _normal_. If he had been back at home the Newpsies would be talking about him like he was the new Marissa or something. They'd likely do it whilst making themselves cosmopolitans, but there was nothing like Orange County hypocrisy to teach you about the world. Katie and Matt introduced him to the world of pubs in daytime. They'd order chunky fries - _chips_ \- and slather them in mayonnaise and read the papers and cheer when the bar staff put _Neighbours_ on the big television screen. From what Seth could pick up, _Neighbours_ was an Australian soap which was some kind of tradition. 

He'd started classes and because he was Seth Cohen, he'd been ridiculously overenthusiastic. His English class was about Ghosts and Doubles in nineteenth and twentieth century literature, and he'd bought all his set texts and was already half way through _Wuthering Heights_ and loving it. He had _Orlando_ stacked up on his desk by his bed, waiting until he was done with Bronte. He was taking two history classes this semester, both eras he'd never done anything on before. Early Modern Europe and an overview of the Mediaeval period, and he couldn't be more enthusiastic or impressed. He'd run to the bookstore right after class was over, clutching his reading list and overwhelmingly grateful for his mom and dad's allowance. Katie was waiting for her aid to come in - _student loan_ , she said meaningfully - and wasn't sure how far that would stretch anyway. She'd already scoured the second hand shops and had rushed to the library to find some of the reading materials for her classes there, and was worried about having to buy some of the texts new. Seth got back to his room laden down with carrier bags and more books than he had bookshelves for. He didn't want to think about how he was going to get them back to the States at the end of the year. Instead, he piled them haphazardly by the side of his wardrobe and thought about buying some little shelves to keep them on. 

Seth's greatest moment came when he realized that his professor for his mediaeval class was the same guy who'd written the textbook Seth had been reading avidly since he'd bought it a couple of days earlier. When Seth found out that he was actually going to be taught by Professor Greenwood, he just about collapsed right there and then, because _hello_ , so cool. Katie had giggled and slipped her arm through his. Seth laughed out loud for the first time in what felt like weeks and they went back to hall via the pizza shop, bringing pepperoni pizza for the two of them and for Matt. They ate it sitting on Matt's floor listening to old Oasis albums and sharing two cans of lager between the three of them. Afterwards, they leaned back against the bed and watched Star Wars IV on Matt's computer. Seth secretly thought that they should just called it Star Wars I and forget about all that Jar-Jar Binks bullshit, but he was secretly a completist at heart, even though the prequels were terrible. 

Matt and Katie might laugh at him for his enthusiasm, but Seth didn't care because nothing hurt like it used to anymore. They laughed and made him laugh too, tickling him when they realized he was ticklish and poking him just for the fun of hearing him squeak. Newport and California and guns and drugs and suicide and brothers and best friends all seemed a million miles away, and Seth couldn't help but think that was the best place for all of them. 

~*~

When they'd first compared timetables, Matt was taking Seth's history classes and Katie was taking his English one, but by the end of the second week Katie had dropped her French class in favor of Seth's mediaeval one. At the end of class a couple of weeks into term, after Seth had done his weekly geeky line up for a word with Professor Greenwood, Matt and Katie dragged him off to explore the town. They wandered up and down the cobbled streets and in and out of the cathedral grounds and down to the sea. It was too cold for Seth, used to warmer climes, but Katie took her shoes and socks off and wandered up and down the water's edge. Even Matt shook his head and called her crazy - because it was _October_ , in _Scotland_ , but Katie just laughed and splashed them in retribution. 

Seth wondered what the surf was like in Newport and wanted to call his dad. 

Instead, he went to a cafe with Katie and Matt, where they forced him to sit down and then disappeared off to the counter to order for him. 

They came back carrying a pot of tea and a tray of muffins - _buns_ , like they weren't talking about asses - and said he couldn't have coffee until he'd had at least one cup of tea. 

Seth prepared himself to suffer, but it wasn't actually that bad. 

It didn't stop him ordering a large latte the moment he'd drained the cup, though. 

They sat in the corner of the cafe, upstairs at the back, and talked. Katie talked about her A-levels and her stupid summer job stacking shelves in a grocery store, about the friends she'd left behind and how much she missed them. Matt had spent the summer backpacking across Europe, and he'd finished up in Greece the week before he'd come to Scotland. Seth had, like, a million questions. Matt told them funny stories about running out of money in Barcelona and getting sick on the shortest, flattest ferry journey between Venice and Croatia. Seth asked him about traveling, about Europe, and Seth wanted to do it all. 

When it came to Seth's turn to speak, he stirred his drink with a long spoon and talked about comic books and superheroes. 

He didn't talk about Newport at all, about Orange County or his parents or Summer or fires in mobile homes or shootings or best friends who were kind of brothers but kind of the greatest thing that ever happened to you. He didn't say much at all, actually, and it was nice that no one said _hey, what's going on with Cohen?_ Because Seth didn't know what was up with him and he didn't really care because he was sort of happy and contented. Plus, maybe this was who Seth Cohen was supposed to be all along, and the past few years had just been a long reaction to living in Newport for so long. Whatever.

But Matt and Katie didn't call him out on why he wasn't talking. Katie just asked him why he'd wanted to go to school over here (except they both laughed when Seth called it school; school stopped after your A-levels, apparently, and Seth was trying to get used to calling it university). 

Seth took a long gulp of his coffee, leaned back in his chair and said he was sick of living in a country ruled by Bush, which was a pretty reasonable excuse for wanting to leave.

They laughed, so that was okay.

Seth deliberately didn't think about his alcoholic mom, or Ryan, or Ryan's alcoholic mom, or about his dad, or his dead grandfather, or the fact that his foster-adopted-brother had dated his grandfather's alcoholic, suicidal stepdaughter, his grandfather's girlfriend (almost) and his grandfather's illegitimate daughter. He didn't think about Luke, or Luke's gay dad, or about Zach, who'd been cool and then hadn't been cool and had ended up proving that all water polo players were just about the same. 

Even though Seth really wasn't thinking about Newport, he didn't really feel like hanging out when they got back to hall. He went back to his room and lay down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling and deliberately didn't think about Ryan. 

Even if Seth's normal monologues were notably absent nowadays, his internal one was doing just fine. 

~*~

Summer came to visit in November, which basically gave Seth just enough time to forget about Newport before she came along and reminded him of everything he'd tried to leave behind. She'd hitched a ride over with her dad, who'd come to play golf and could probably put the whole shebang on expenses. She was skipping out on a week's worth of classes, and just shrugged loudly when Seth asked if that was going to be okay. "It's _Paris,_ Cohen," she said. "And you."

Seth's immediate and over-arching reaction to Summer's impending arrival was to ask her if her coming over meant he had to sit through another excruciating meal with Mr. Roberts. 

"Maybe it'll be less painful now we're not dating," Seth said finally, after he interpreted Summer's silence as a definite yes. "Maybe he'll be storing up all his energy to make mincemeat out of Zach, right? Right, Summer?"

Summer pointed out that Seth's verbal diarrhea wasn't typically limited to her dad, which Seth took to mean as _yes, it will be painful._ He didn't think to point out that he wasn't much with the verbal overload these days, but Summer was the one on the other end of the telephone line and she could probably already tell. He wanted to make some stupid joke about Ryan, to ask Summer if Ryan was babbling inanely all the way through his internship in San Francisco. He wanted to know if Ryan was waving his hands and saying stupid and inappropriate stuff, because Seth had turned quiet and introspective and maybe there was some weird body swap thing going on, like in _Big_. Seth couldn't ask though, because he didn't know if Summer and Ryan kept in touch, and he didn't want to draw attention to his radio silence, and he also didn't want Summer to know that he hadn't talked to Ryan since he left Newport. 

Seth hadn't emailed or called Ryan, but then Ryan hadn't emailed or called Seth either. 

It had been weeks and months and Seth was happy, but there was a giant Ryan-shaped hole in his life that he just couldn't fill, no matter how hard he tried. 

Summer asked if he was okay or if he'd been hit on the head and turned into Ryan Atwood, like in that film. 

Seth just laughed and said, "They made a film about Ryan Atwood?"

Summer said, "Dumbass", and explained the storyline of this made-for-TV movie she'd seen the previous week when she should have been at a Psych seminar. 

When Seth finally hung up, he realized he kind of had a large Summer-shaped hole in his life, too, and he started to look forward to her arriving. 

~*~

Summer arrived on Thursday evening in mid-November. Seth didn't have classes on a Friday, plus the pub behind Seth's hall had its happy hour on Thursday, so Seth and everyone else from hall were doing their best to drink the pub dry. 

He'd pulled out his suitcase from under his bed the previous weekend and unzipped the front pocket. Inside the pocket was the envelope of photos he'd stuffed into a box back in Newport. When he'd arrived he hadn't wanted to look at anyone from home, and he'd dropped the package into his empty suitcase and hadn't been tempted since. But last weekend he'd stuck his head around Katie's door and asked if she had anything he could stick pictures up with, and spent the rest of the evening attaching his photos to the front of his closet. 

When Katie came in later, bringing him a cup of tea and a biscuit, she stared at his photos for a long time. "Which one's Summer?" she asked eventually, and Seth called Matt on the phone and got him to come downstairs so that he wouldn't have to explain twice. 

Seth was in the pub with Katie and Matt and pretty much the rest of his hall when Summer called him to tell him she was in town. 

"It's raining, Cohen." 

"It does that," Seth told her, and tried to stop himself grinning at the way he was beginning to feel warm right from his toes upwards. "Where are you?"

She'd gotten a cab from her dad's hotel to where Seth had directed her to, and when he came out to meet her, she was standing opposite the bus shelter outside the high school, tapping one high heel and shivering in a short jacket. Seth ran across the road with his collar turned up and his hands over his head to ward off the rain. He clung to her for longer than he wanted to, sliding his hands under her jacket, holding her too close and shutting his eyes at the familiarity. He felt her breath warm against his neck. 

She didn't tease him about hanging on too long, not even when he pulled back and kissed her on the mouth. 

He'd talked so much about Summer in the past few days that Katie and Matt were probably sick to death of the sound of her name, but they were both on their best behavior when Seth introduced her. So were most of his hall buddies, who didn't make any jokes about bad pronunciation or about Americans or anything. Seth was proud of them, although their radio silence could probably be attributed to the fact that they were bowled over by how pretty Summer was. 

He couldn't let go of her; he had his arm slung around her shoulder and she had her arm around his waist. Seth couldn't stop smiling. 

His friends made room for them both at the table and Summer didn't wrinkle her nose and ask if they could go anywhere cleaner, or more upmarket, or anywhere more like the places in Newport. The pub was a student one, grubby and peeling at the edges, and Seth loved it. Summer talked to Katie and Matt and fell in love with their accents and asked them questions just to hear them talk. Seth bought her gin and tonics and splurged on on a cocktail, and Summer smiled at him and Seth felt something warm unfold in his belly. 

He'd missed her. When he put her in a cab at the end of the evening, he hugged her and told her he'd had a Summer-shaped gap in his life. 

She hugged him back and said, "Missed you too, Spiderman."

~*~

Seth took her dancing at the Student Union on Friday night. Seth hadn't really been one for dancing back in Newport, so Summer had raised a perfect eyebrow at him when he'd suggested it and asked him where the real Seth Cohen was. 

Seth grinned and said, "It's a lot of fun. You'll like it."

When they got into the union, the DJ was playing _Is This The Way To Amarillo_ , which had been new to Seth when he'd arrived a few weeks earlier. Matt had downloaded the video from YouTube for him so Seth could understand the dancing, and now Seth knew all the words after spending too many Friday nights out with his friends. 

He'd forgotten to explain the phenomenon to Summer. 

"Um, Cohen?"

Seth tried to keep a straight face. "Yes, Summer?"

"Why is everyone-" she stopped. "Why are they marching, Seth? Are they all crazy?" 

Seth grabbed her hand and pulled her into the throng to join in. 

~*~

They had a lazy day on Saturday, with Seth wandering over to Summer's hotel late in the morning and spending the rest of the day watching films on pay-per-view, looking out of the window occasionally to see if the sun had come out. They talked about Summer's school and how much she was loving her psych seminars but biology sucked ass and how next semester she was taking social anthropology because her roommate said it was amazing and the professor was hot. She told him about Marissa's descent into alcoholism (again? Seth asked, bored of Marissa's teen crises, but Summer just punched him in the arm to shut him up) and how she was about to get thrown out of college. "She's trying, though," Summer says. "I think she's actually getting herself cleaned up."

Seth wasn't as inclined to laugh at Marissa's crises anymore, not now that his mom was an alcoholic too, but he couldn't help but feel something akin to relief now that he was so removed from it all. The closest he'd come to trauma here was one of his friends occasionally accidentally making out with someone in one of their tutorial groups, and even then it was usually fixed by the end of the week. Real Trauma seemed a hell of a long way away, and Seth was overly thankful for that. 

Katie rang him on his cell around eight in the evening, saying that Matt had been invited to a beach barbecue right down at the end of East Sands. It was probably a mile out, Katie said, because of the local laws about drinking alcohol within the city boundaries, but it was probably going to be a lot of fun.

Summer grumbled about walking that far and why did no one have a _car_ in this stupid place, and fun didn't usually mean walking a mile in the freezing cold.

Seth grinned and threw her scarf and woolly hat at her. 

~*~

They ended up sitting up in the dunes down by the fire, with their own single-use barbecue and a bag of kindling for their own miniature bonfire because it was so cold. Seth thought about the grill they had back in Newport, by the edge of the pool, and compared it to this - freezing to death in the middle of winter on a beach in Scotland. He missed his parents, but he wouldn't change this for the world. He was where he was supposed to be. He slid his arm around Summer's shoulders, and dropped a kiss to the top of her head. 

Katie and Matt had been to the supermarket to buy snacks and cans of beer, and they were toasting marshmallows and wrapping bananas stuffed with chocolate in tinfoil, poking them with sticks to roll them off the grill and onto the sand. 

Seth cracked open a can of beer and said without thinking, "Hey, Summer, it's a beach barbecue and there's no one fighting or throwing a punch."

Summer smiled and pulled down her woolly hat over her ears, cradling her own can of pre-mixed gin and tonic. She'd already made Seth promise not to tell anyone she'd ever drunk this. She looked adorable, and Seth's chest ached a little for everything that had been. She said, "Yeah, Seth, that's because Ryan and Luke aren't here."

Katie laughed, and pulled a gooey marshmallow off the end of her skewer. "Luke's the one with the gay dad, right? Seth showed us a photo last week, told us all about him."

Matt poked him with the toe of his sneaker. "You never mentioned Ryan though, spill."

Summer opened her mouth and Seth closed his, and _fuck_. He'd been found out. 

"Okay, Cohen. Tell me what they did with the real Seth and I'll let you live." Her voice had taken on a steely edge. 

Seth shrugged uneasily and thought, _fuck, found out,_ again and tried to imagine what Ryan was doing now. The tiny, miniature Ryan who lived in his head smiled and shrugged too. Seth wanted to smile back. 

"Seth," Summer said, again. "Seriously."

Seth shook his head. "Nothing to tell, guys."

Summer spluttered, hitting him in the arm. It _hurt_. Seth remembered the rage blackouts, and an echo of their former relationship punched him in the arm again. 

Seth desperately didn't want Katie and Matt or any of his other new friends to know about Ryan. People seemed to like him here without Ryan being around, and Seth wasn't really used to people liking him without liking Ryan as well. Ryan had left him behind, Ryan had other stuff to do and other fish to fry and there wasn't time for Seth in that equation anymore. His head ached. 

"Seriously," Seth said, trying to look reassuring, "Ryan was just some guy we used to know."

Summer just shook her head and said, "Oh, _Seth_ ," really sadly. 

Seth dug his marshmallow skewer into the sand and tried not to think. 

After a minute Summer clambered up onto her knees and hugged him; Seth buried his head in the curve of her neck for too long a moment, and didn't say anything. 

Afterwards, when Katie and Matt had gone quiet and then all of a sudden started talking about some movie that was out at the moment and was coming to the movie theater on Thursday, and arranging to go and see it, Summer leaned over and held Seth's hand tight. They toasted the remains of the marshmallows over the cooling barbecue and got sticky fingers picking at the chocolate-y bananas in their tinfoil packets. 

Later, when Seth walked Summer back to her hotel, she squeezed his hand too tight. He wanted to talk to her about Ryan, about what he sometimes felt and how hard it had been to leave him behind, and why he'd had to leave in the first place, but he couldn't find the words. In the hotel lobby she kissed his cheek sadly, saying, "It'll be okay, Cohen."

Seth kind of wished she'd never come, because Newport wasn't something he wanted to think about, not now or ever again. Summer was Newport personified right in front of him, Summer was Marissa and Harbor and his alcoholic mother and the Water Polo team and she was _Ryan._

And that was just a tiny bit disturbing. 

He wished he didn't have a life where the only way to make the best of it was to move half a world away.  
~*~

Summer left on Tuesday morning, traveling on to Edinburgh and then to Paris and finishing back in London before leaving for California on Friday night. 

Seth missed her straight away, missed the way she took over and loved him and shut him up and reminded him of how good things could be. But almost as soon as she'd driven away, he fell right back into his old life, because he'd missed that too. He'd missed Katie and Matt and having them both to himself, and the fact they didn't ask him difficult questions he didn't want to answer about _before_. 

He went straight to a history lecture and bugged Professor Greenwood after the class had finished, asking him questions and telling him he'd read his books. Professor Greenwood smiled and wriggled his toes - still in socks and sandals despite it being winter, because apparently academic geniuses could also be crazy bad in the fashion department. In the evening Katie and Matt took him to the pub and they did the quiz in the downstairs bar. He even answered a question about Scott and Charlene's wedding in _Neighbours_ in 1987 or whenever, because he'd been reading all about it on Wikipedia. Katie and Matt cheered and hugged him and Seth thought he really was where he should be. 

Things got back to normal pretty quickly, and Seth loved it. They went by bus to Dundee University Union to see a pretty mediocre indie band play, and then they stayed out dancing and had to get a cab back home which cost them the best part of £75. They went early Christmas shopping in Edinburgh and drank at the bar in Fopp, buying CDs he already owned on vinyl, listening to the Clash on headphones by the cash register. He went to see the Strokes with Katie and some of the other guys from their hall, sitting squashed in the back of a Ford Fiesta for an hour and a half at two in the morning on the way back from Glasgow.

At the end of the first week in December, his mom rang. He was in his room with Matt and Katie, watching _O Brother, Where Art Thou_ on his laptop when his cell started beeping from under his pillow. Katie asked why he kept his phone in such a stupid place; Seth grinned, showed her the finger and paused the film. 

His mom had managed the time difference impeccably ever since Seth had arrived in Scotland, always timing her calls to catch Seth early in the evening. His dad was more haphazard with the calculations, more than once catching Seth drunk at half past one in the morning. 

Kirsten asked him how he was and Seth told her all about his English paper - _essay_ , Matt and Katie corrected exasperatedly, rolling their eyes at him and poking him with their feet - and how he'd got a seventeen without even reading the books properly because he'd forgotten the due date and had spent the weekend at the hall ball and in the pub nursing a hangover instead of in the library trying to read Virginia Woolf. 

Seth had explained the marking system on more than one occasion, and tried to demonstrate the difference between GPA and firsts by means of emailing his parents a carefully labeled diagram, but he patiently explained one more time that it was a good mark, a first, after his mom asked, "And that's good, right, Seth?"

Seth knew that something was bothering his mom, because she didn't forget things like that, she was one hundred percent Seth-orientated, apart from when she wasn't. Seth didn't know how to find out if she was drinking again. 

His mom took a deep breath and said, "Why do you never ask about Ryan?"

"Ryan?" Seth said. 

Katie and Matt looked at him with undisguised interest. Seth wouldn't look at them, and instead concentrated his gaze on the comforter. 

"He asks about you, Seth. Did something happen between the two of you? Did you fall out?"

"We didn't fall out, Mom."

"Something happened, Seth."

Seth rubbed his forehead tiredly. "Nothing happened, Mom." Seth knew that Katie and Matt were listening in, and it exhausted him. He knew they'd been incredibly good about not asking about Ryan after the barbecue on the beach, but he didn't think he could get away with it a second time. 

"Seth, you and Ryan. You were so close. He wants to fix whatever went wrong between the two of you, and your father and I are inclined to agree."

Seth had spent so long trying not to think about Ryan that even just hearing his name mentioned was a relief. He wanted to say it out loud, hear it over and over. _Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan._ Ryan,who he was in love with, who wasn't here and was half the world away. 

"Ryan wants to come over," Kirsten continued. 

"He wants to come over?" Seth said stupidly. 

"Yes, he's got some vacation to take from work and we've looked at the flights and we think he could maybe come and stay with you for a couple of days before you both fly home for Christmas."

Seth didn't like the sound of all the 'we's'. 

"Have you all been planning this?" Seth asked, before he could help himself. 

"Seth, no. Is that what you think? We - your father and I - want you and Ryan to fix this. Whatever it is that went wrong between the two of you, we want you to be friends again. Holidays are coming, Seth. I don't want to see my boys fighting."

Seth nodded slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We're not fighting, Mom."

"So, Ryan can come stay with you?" Kirsten asked him hopefully. 

Seth lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. "Yep, Mom, Ryan can come and stay."

His mom told him she'd book flights and get back to him. 

Seth put the cell back under his pillow and rubbed his forehead tiredly. "Ryan's coming to stay," he told Katie and Matt, and he leaned forward and put the movie back on. 

He stared at the wall and wondered what it would be like to see Ryan again. 

~*~

Ryan was due to arrive a couple of days before the Christmas vacation.

It gave Seth ten whole days to climb the walls. 

He talked nineteen to the dozen about everything that wasn't Ryan, and finally Katie pushed him down onto the bed the day Ryan was due to arrive and told Seth to shut up. 

Matt brought him a coffee from Costa and said, "You've turned weird, Seth. You've stopped being quiet."

Seth started to babble, extra-special Seth Cohen Newport style, and said something that sounded like _this guy, my best friend, Ryan_. He started talking about _On the Road_ and a fire in a show home. 

Matt and Katie looked at each other and said, "This is about _Ryan_ , then." 

Seth stared at them for a moment - as if it could be about anything else - and then laughed. Seth knew that he was self-involved, but he'd forgotten that the world didn't _actually_ revolve around him. "Come on, let's go to the pub before I have to go to the station to meet Ryan."

They went to the pub opposite the Student Union and drank shots of tequila and double vodkas before stumbling to the taxi rank and hailing a cab to go to the train station to meet Ryan. Seth was supposed to be going by himself, but Seth had spent almost two weeks trying not to think about Ryan. Now Ryan was almost here and Seth was getting wasted in preparation. 

They got to the train station with a couple of minutes to go before Ryan's train was due. Seth had been worried that Ryan might be concerned if no one was there to meet him, standing all alone on a deserted platform in the middle of a field with nothing but an air base to look at, but when they got to the platform they realized that Ryan's train was running a few minutes late. 

Katie rubbed her cold hands together and said, "Good. Now we can sit inside and wait for his train."

Except Ryan's train was the last of the night and everything was all locked up. The station was deserted, apart from one lonely guard - well wrapped up against the cold - leaning against the wall outside the closed waiting room smoking a cigarette and ignoring all of the no-smoking signs. 

Seth started to feel ill. 

Katie and Matt eyed each other, and then him. Seth pretended not to notice.

Seth wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and kicked at the wall with his toe of his converse. It was getting colder, his breath coming in white huffs of air. He stamped his feet and suddenly Seth was far too drunk to deal with any of this. 

"I don't feel well," he said, "too much blood in my alcohol system."

Katie rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. "Maybe you're coming down with something," she said, "You've only drunk the same amount as us and we're fine."

Seth swallowed thickly and thought of the quarter bottle of vodka (ready mixed with tonic, the devils) in his jacket pocket. Sure he'd only drunk the same amount as Katie and Matt. 

The train pulled in and Ryan was one of the only passengers getting down onto the platform; he climbed out behind an old woman and her husband. He stood on the platform, huddled in a heavy coat and clutching his hold-all. 

Seth saw him and choked on his own breath, coughing until his eyes watered. He leaned against the wall. 

Then Ryan was in front of him, saying "Seth?" and "Are you okay?" and touching his shoulder. 

Seth batted his hand away. "I'm fine," he said. Then, "It's good to see you, Ry."

Ryan nodded. "You too." 

Then Ryan did a very un-Ryan-ly thing, and leaned in and hugged Seth. Ryan sometimes did extra cool hugs, like one arm slung across Seth's shoulder and holding tight for a moment, or a quick manly pat on the back, but this was an actual hug. With actual _hugging_. 

Seth hugged him back tightly. Ryan smelled like Ryan, like California and Newport and home and his mom and dad. He breathed in. 

Ryan was shaking hands with Matt when Seth vomited down the side of the ticket office. 

Ryan dropped his bag and took Seth's elbow. "How much have you had to drink, Seth?" he asked, after a moment.

Seth looked at him through pink eyes and said, "Not enough to change anything," and threw up again. 

Ryan swallowed and watched as Katie rubbed the back of Seth's neck until Seth felt well enough to stand. 

"Are you okay, Seth?" Matt asked, after a moment. 

"Sure," Seth said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Katie sighed. "We should get you back home."

In the cab, Seth fell asleep on Katie's shoulder and drooled on her coat. 

When they got back to their hall, Matt helped Seth upstairs and Katie unlocked Seth's door. Ryan followed slowly after them. 

Seth kicked the blow-up air bed he'd bought for Ryan to sleep on for the next couple of days. He stumbled forwards, collapsing on his bed and trying to breathe through his pillow. He felt _ill_. 

Through the muffle of his brain, he heard Katie say, "We only had a few drinks, not enough for him to be like this."

Seth laughed, thinking of the bottle in his coat pocket. 

Matt said tiredly, "He must have been doubling up whenever he went to the bar."

"Does he often get like this?" Ryan asked, quietly. 

"No," Katie said. "Hardly ever."

"He was worked up over you arriving," Matt said, and Seth suddenly wanted another drink. "There's a bin under his desk," he said, "you know. If he needs to be sick."

There was a long pause. Seth concentrated on breathing into the pillow. Ryan said, "It's okay. I know what to do with drunk people."

Seth wanted Ryan never to have seen him like this, because now Seth was just like Ryan's mom and his mom and Trey and Marissa and Eddie and every other person Ryan came near. Everything Ryan touched turned to drink, and now Seth had gone and done this. 

Seth rolled over and said, "I'm not like Mom."

Ryan just said, " _Seth_ ," and looked at him with those big eyes of his. 

Seth wanted to say, _you left me, you dick. You left me way before I left you and moved half way around the world. You left me months before that and I hated it that whole time because I'm lonely when I'm not with you._ Instead he said, "I feel sick," and rolled over and threw up into the trash can.

Ryan said, "Seth," again, but Seth was done thinking. He rolled over to face the wall and fell asleep.

~*~

Seth woke up early the following morning. His head was pounding and his humiliation felt complete, so he did what he always wanted to do when he was hungover and embarrassed - he stumbled to his feet, taking his comforter and his cellphone with him, and slid out the door. He took refuge at the very top of the hall, on the attic floor where he wouldn't disturb anyone. Let alone Ryan. 

He called Summer from his cellphone, trying not to think of Ryan still sleeping, curled up in a sleeping bag and a tartan blanket of Katie's. Seth hadn't even stayed awake long enough to see if Ryan was hungry and wanted a pizza or needed to know where the bathroom was. He put his head in his hands and waited for Summer to answer. 

She was with people, Seth could tell from the noise in the background. "You're busy, I'll- I'll go." 

"Don't be a dumbass, Cohen, I'm just going outside."

Seth pinched the bridge of his nose. "I love you," he said, tiredly. 

Summer snorted. "What the hell has gotten into you?" 

Seth stayed quiet for a long moment. Then he said, "Ryan's here. I was drunk and I threw up at the train station - twice - and then they brought me home and I threw up again. They were talking about how I managed to get so drunk but I didn't tell them about the bottle I had in my coat pocket, and all I could think was that I wasn't like everybody else, I wasn't like my mom and Ryan's mom and Marissa and everyone else who's been around Ryan and turned to drink. I was just- I couldn't do it, I couldn't stand up and look at him and not tell him that I missed him and that he left me, because I've always got to be careful what I say with Ryan. Everything always comes out of my head, it always does, but it can't with Ryan. It just can't."

Summer didn't say anything.

"Summer?" Seth said finally, when he couldn't think of anything else to say and Summer still hadn't said anything.

Seth had forgotten that no one knew Seth Cohen better than Summer, apart from maybe Ryan. But that was sort of the point. 

She said, "I sort of thought you were still in love with me," and she sounded sad.

Seth didn't say anything, which would have been kind of a first with Seth except for the fact that this had been Seth Cohen for months now, and the verbal diarrhea had kind of gotten away from him. He'd sort of thought he was still in love with Summer too for a while, and maybe he was, maybe he always would because Summer was Summer and she once dressed up as Wonder Woman and he couldn't ever imagine her not being around. "Summer, I-" he started. 

Summer stopped him. "You're in love with Ryan. That's it. That's why you're there. I couldn't figure it out before."

Seth tried to explain that that wasn't it; that he wasn't in love with Ryan. That that wasn't why he'd had to leave. 

"Seth," Summer said. "Stop it."

Seth shook his head. "It's not the only reason I left." He rubbed his forehead tiredly and tried to explain. "Ryan's my best friend. He's my savior, I guess, if you like. He changed everything for me and he changed me and my parents want him in our family. Ryan loves girls and I love girls and there was you and I still love you, but I sort of love boys too, and sometimes I kind of want to just, maybe, touch him and see what it would be like just to kiss him. But that isn't love. I don't love him like I loved you. It's just me being weird. He changed Newport for me and without Ryan, Newport's nothing. I was lonely before he turned up, and I was lonely after he didn't have time for me anymore, but the bit in the middle was the best thing that ever happened to me. And you were part of that best bit, Summer."

There was a long moment. Summer said, "You've got it bad, Cohen." She sounded sad and Seth hated himself for making her. 

"I haven't," he tried to tell her. "It's me, it's not Ryan. It's Newport. It was everything going wrong and me being a total loser before Ryan came along. You didn't even know who I was, Sum. You all used to ignore me in the hallways. I could go a whole summer vacation without speaking to another kid. But then Ryan came along and people started to be friends with me. Because of him. He changed everything. I was a loser."

"Seth." Summer said, "You're not a loser. Okay, actually, you kind of are, but you're my loser and that makes you sorta cool, okay, dumbass?" And then she sort of got angry, back to the Summer that Seth knew better, "And what's with all the self-loathing, Cohen? I get enough of that from Marissa."

"I'm hungover as fuck." Seth told her. "Being maudlin comes with the job."

"Yeah. Well. Being maudlin doesn't suit you." She paused. "But maybe liking Ryan sort of does."

Seth smiled. "I've left him all alone. He'll probably think I've bolted."

"Go and apologize for being a dick, Cohen." 

Seth missed her. He told her. 

Summer sighed. "I miss you too. Even if you've been gay for Ryan all this time and I totally missed it."

"Summer, I'm not gay for Ry-"

"Shut up, Seth. You totally are." She sighed down the phone. "Go and apologize for being such a fucking idiot last night. Let me go to sleep."

"Are you with Zach?" Seth asked.

"Yep." Summer laughed. "At least now he can stop being jealous of you."

"Summer-"

"Seth. Just. Stop thinking. Okay? Oh. And I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"You know. Not hanging out with you before Ryan arrived. Letting things get that bad for you."

Seth swallowed. "I love you."

There was a pause, and Summer said, "I kinda love you too, Cohen." And she hung up. 

Seth rubbed his forehead, picked up his comforter and headed back downstairs. He slid into his room, trying not to wake Ryan who was stretched across the airbed in the middle of Seth's floor. He got his wash bag and his towel and was out of the door without making too much noise, which was pretty much the Seth equivalent of quiet as a mouse. 

He spent fifteen minutes in the shower feeling sick and leaning against the wall trying to figure out how this whole mess was going to sort itself out. Finally, more awake, he washed and shaved and went back to his room wearing a pair of track pants, his wrestling t-shirt ( _hustle, loyalty, respect_ ) and a hoodie he wore instead of a robe. 

Ryan was awake, one arm underneath his head, watching the door. 

Seth closed the door and flicked the latch locked. "Hey," he said. 

"Hey."

"You okay?" Seth asked finally.

Ryan rubbed his eyes awake. "I should be asking you that. You feeling okay this morning?"

Seth sniffed. "Feeling about as sick as I deserve. Malevolent monkeys are playing drums in my head."

Ryan nodded. "Damn those malevolent monkeys."

Seth laughed and lay down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment, he said, "I'm sorry about last night."

Ryan shrugged, Matt's borrowed sleeping bag crinkling and shrugging with him. "It's okay."

It clearly wasn't okay, but Seth wasn't in any sort of mood to point that out. He sighed and rolled over onto his side, watching Ryan. He asked about the flight over and if Ryan had gotten any free peanuts and whether he'd saved any for Seth (who always loved airplane peanuts) and what movies they were showing and if Ryan had liked Edinburgh.

Ryan rummaged in his backpack for a pack of peanuts and passed them to Seth. "Here," he said. "I saved you some. And I was only in Edinburgh for an hour, and most of that was the bus from the airport."

Seth knew perfectly well that this was the first time Ryan had left the States, and it was the longest flight he'd ever made and he'd done it - the whole thing - to come and see Seth. He didn't know how to say that though, or ask why, so he just asked stupid questions about airport security and something about making a playlist for his iPod to take into the cabin with him on the flight back to Newport (Seth almost called it home there for a second, but he found himself stumbling over the words at the last moment) and about the movies because they were probably going to be the same on the way back over, and Seth thought he'd better stock up on DVDs to watch on his laptop. 

Ryan rolled over. "Jennifer Lopez should stick to making music."

"I thought non-sequitors were my thing." Seth grinned.

"The lady next to me lent me some earbuds. We watched _Maid in Manhattan_ on her DVD player. I didn't know how to ask her to stop."

Seth laughed. " _Out of Sight_ , dude. That was a good film."

Ryan hm-hmmed non-committedly, which was probably Ryan-speak for _I haven't seen it._ Seth didn't press it. 

"How's the job?" Seth asked after a moment. 

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair. "Fine, yeah. Everything's good."

Seth thought that might be a little short, even for Ryan. "Okay. Good." And that was probably a little short for Seth. Still. Maybe they'd both changed. 

"You should get dressed," Ryan said, leaning back on his pillow - a rolled up sweater, Seth realized, and he figured he should probably go out and buy an extra pillow today. "It's cold and I need a shower."

"You know where the bathroom is, right?" Seth said, and he wondered how and when things got so awkward between the two of them. 

Seth put on a sweater and jeans and buried his face in the pillow whilst he waited for Ryan to finish in the shower. Seth's hangovers weren't usually that awful, but this morning seemed to be an exception. He had a headache and those monkeys were still banging drums in his head and he wanted to go to sleep - but his brain wouldn't stop and he couldn't quite believe that Ryan was actually here. Real life seemed to be intruding onto his fantasy life, and Seth didn't much like that. Or maybe he liked it too much. Seth realized that if he could figure that out then life would probably be a whole lot simpler. 

Once Ryan was back from the shower - all damp hair and warm skin - Seth finally took a look at his watch and realized they'd slept so late they'd missed hall food, so he took them both off for a late lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe rip-off. They ended up sitting under some early-nineties British pop star's orange velvet suit and Seth banged his head on some eighties low-fi rocker's scruffy guitar. They had burgers and fries and Seth hoovered three large Cokes while Ryan barely finished one. Still, Ryan probably wasn't as dehydrated as Seth, what with the alcohol and the vomiting and whatever. 

Seth was on caffeine overload and ended up talking about Katie and Matt and how they were his best friends here. He talked about going to the Student Union on Friday nights and walking on the beach on Sunday afternoons and happy hour in the pub on Thursday evenings. He hushed his voice appropriately and said he'd been to the rugby at Murrayfield to see Wales beat Scotland with Katie and her friends. He tried to explain some of the rules to Ryan, about tries and running with the ball and throwing backwards. Ryan looked baffled, although Seth thought that was probably more likely to be due to the realization that Seth was explaining the rules of a _sport_ to Ryan. He tried not to, but he ended up talking about when Summer came to stay and how they'd ended up at a bonfire on the beach and how there were no fights and no one got shot. He talked about the meal with Summer's dad and how it wasn't as excruciating as when they were dating, but it still rated as one of his top five worst evenings ever. 

He didn't take a breath until Ryan just leant over the table and said, "Seth. Shut up." 

Seth stopped talking mid-sentence and wondered what Katie and Matt would make of the new wind-up-and-go Seth Cohen. He wondered what Ryan would make of Seth's new, quieter self. 

He paid for the meal with his visa card and they walked down to the beach, sitting on the rocks and looking out to sea. Seth pulled his coat tight around him and fished around in his pocket for his gloves. He'd lent Ryan one of his hats, a black beanie with a skate logo on the front. 

Ryan still looked cold. He huddled into his jacket, pulling up the collar. 

"We'll have to get you a scarf," Seth said, vaguely amused. 

"Yeah. Maybe."

Seth nodded. "Definitely. It's pretty warm today." It wasn't, but Seth wanted Ryan to think he was surviving. 

"Do you really like it here, Seth?" Ryan asked after a minute of staring into the middle distance. 

Seth kicked at the rock aimlessly with the toe of his sneaker. "Does it look much like Orange County?" 

"Not much." Ryan admitted. 

Seth shrugged. "Yeah."

"Seth-"

"Ryan. I'm doing okay."

Ryan looked at him. "You were drunk last night. Really drunk."

"Everybody drinks." Seth realized that that was the wrong thing to say right about the moment he started to speak, but there wasn't much he could do to stop it coming out. "Ry-"

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Me drinking that much. It doesn't happen very often. Check with Katie and Matt. I'm not taking after Mom. I couldn't."

Ryan swallowed and let out a shaky breath. "You scared me."

Seth remembered the Vegas night right after Ryan had moved in with them, when his mom had drunk too much and collapsed in front of everyone. He remembered Ryan's steadfast endurance. His skin burnt. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, Ry."

"Why did you do it?" Ryan asked, burying his hands in his coat pockets. "How? Even your friends didn't know how you managed to do it."

Seth didn't want to talk about this. "I was a bottle of vodka ahead of them," Seth admitted, finally. "They didn't know about it."

"But why, Seth?"

"Cos you were coming, and I didn't know what to do." He shrugged. "I figured it'd be harder to fuck everything up if I was drunk."

Ryan managed a smile. "Seth-logic stinks."

"Yeah."

Ryan watched the water lap across the sand and didn't say anything. 

Seth fiddled with the button on his jacket and wondered whether he'd already said too much.

~*~

On the way back from the beach, they went via the Edinburgh Wool Mill and bought Ryan a black wool scarf and a pair of gloves. He said he was fine wearing Seth's hat and didn't need another. Seth didn't push it. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon in Matt's room playing Playstation, leaning up against the edge of the bed and going old school and playing Mario Kart. Katie joined them after her class, and they had competition after competition, fighting over the controllers and Seth elbowing Ryan out of the way and Katie blocking the screen in order to finish first. 

"You fight _dirty_ , Cohen." Katie said, in surprise, after Seth had executed a particularly cool elbow jab to both Ryan and Matt in order to finish first. 

Seth grinned. 

Ryan nodded. "You guys ever seen him play _The Sims_? He's much more competitive in that, his houses always have to be the best, the best decorated, his sims always have to be most successful-"

"Dude." Seth said in mock-surprise. "That was supposed to be our secret. And like you can talk. You spend the whole time building houses and never actually _playing the game_."

Ryan laughed. "There are no secrets. Only future ammunition."

Seth narrowed his eyes. "Is this going to be war?" he asked.

"He's watched _A Cinderella Story_ at least five times." Ryan told them, licking his lips and grinning.

Matt wrinkled his nose. "Is that the one with Russell Crowe?"

Katie snorted. "It's the one with Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff."

Seth put his head in his hands. "I'm never telling you anything ever again."

Ryan elbowed him. "It's good to see you, man."

Seth elbowed him back. He didn't know how to tell Ryan that having him here was just about the best thing ever because Seth without Ryan was just Seth, and nobody wanted just Seth. Not when they could have Seth and Ryan. Or something. Instead, he just grinned and said, "Ryan used to be in musicals."

Ryan shook his head. "You'll pay."

Seth ruffled Ryan's hair. "Missed you too, dude."

~*~

Seth had a paper due in on the last day of term, so the following afternoon he signed Ryan into the library and they ended up sitting at a desk in the far corner of the second floor. Ryan read _On the Road_ at Seth's behest and listened to a mix playlist on Seth's iPod of British indie music whilst Seth tried to read about tenth century church reform. 

Two hours in, Seth was climbing the walls in boredom and Ryan wouldn't stop reading. 

"Come on, let's just go." Seth said. 

"Finish your paper," Ryan told him. 

"Haven't started it yet," Seth grumbled. He had, but that wasn't the point. He was bored and wanted to go.

"Sooner you start, sooner it'll be done." Ryan said, sounding eerily like Seth's mom. 

Seth elbowed him. "Shut up."

"Get on with it." Ryan said, and he smiled.

Something warm uncurled itself in Seth's belly, and he found himself grinning goofily back. 

Ryan watched him for a moment. His eyes were soft. "Do your paper, Seth."

"Essay, Ryan. When in Rome."

"Essay, paper. Do it."

Seth did it. 

~*~

Two hours later and Ryan was on his third trip through Seth's indie playlist and was clearly getting bored. Waving Jack Kerouac at Seth, he said, "We should do this. Drive cross country."

Seth saved his document and stared in disgust at his laptop. His essay was almost done, a couple hundred more words and that should be it. "Really?"

"Sure. It'd be cool. We could do it in the summer, stay in motels and see the country."

"Just the two of us?"

"Why not?" Ryan stole a piece of Seth's notebook to use as a bookmark. "If you want to, that is."

"If I _want_ to? Dude. Sure I do." Seth grinned helplessly. 

Ryan grinned back. "Good." And he disappeared off to find atlases on the library search engine. Whilst Seth was hastily putting the finishing touches on what could only be an average essay at best, Ryan was photocopying maps of states using Seth's photocopying card. By the time Seth was finished, Ryan had a huge pile of papers and was sliding them into Seth's laptop bag to keep them flat. 

Seth clapped Ryan on the back. "Dude, this is going to be the best summer ever."

Ryan grinned at him. "Yeah."

~*~

Back in Seth's room, they spread the maps across Seth's floor and started to Google for towns and flicked through their civic websites on Seth's laptop. Ryan took a red pen and circled places he wanted to visit; Seth took a green pen. 

By the time they were finished, the photocopied pages were covered in red and green circles and stars. Seth laughed. "We're gonna need more than a summer."

Ryan grinned, leaning back against Seth's bed. "Yep. Months and months of Seth and Ryan time at this rate."

Seth wriggled. "Seth and Ryan time? You missed that?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Which part of _you're my best friend, Seth_ , don't you get?"

Seth thought, _the part where you miss Ryan and Seth time?_ He leaned over to his laptop and skipped to the next song, which to his embarrassment was _Never Forget_ by Take That - part of the ever growing mountain of music on his laptop that he wouldn't have even given headspace to if he'd still been back in Newport. It was part of Katie and Matt doing their level best to educate him and bring him up to date with modern British culture - and considering that Take That were apparently having some kind of resurgence in popularity after a decade broken up, it seemed only proper that Seth should have at least some of their tracks in his collection, especially as Take That were regulars at the Student Union on a Friday night and it was in Seth's best interest to know exactly who the DJ was playing. 

Seth leaned back against his bed. His knee touched Ryan's. "I missed it," he started, "us. Ryan and Seth time. It was kind of a staple part of my diet, but I sort of thought you wouldn't miss it, cos, you know, you kind of had a life before you met me."

Ryan narrowed his eyes. "Seth-"

"You had other stuff going on. I didn't."

Ryan nudged Seth's laptop with his toe. "Didn't mean I didn't miss us hanging out though."

Seth sighed. "Sometimes I think being friends is just like being in _The Sims_. You know it's been a couple of weeks and the numbers keep on ticking down and one of these days the heart is going to go, and then the little smiley face goes and you're just left with ringing them up and talking in Simlish about the weather because one of these days the counter is going to hit zero and then what happens?"

Ryan wrinkled his nose. "I'm sorry I didn't email you."

"I didn't email you either." Seth said. He nudged Ryan's knee with his own again. They were talking in circles, and Seth was sick of it. He wanted to say that he just didn't know what to say, that he didn't know how to make this better. He didn't know how to say that he was having the most fantastic time here without making it sound like he was having a fantastic time without Ryan. He didn't know how to explain why he left, why he'd wanted to leave, why everything got so bad that he _had_ to leave because he couldn't stay. How to make it sound like he had to leave without making it sound like he had to leave Ryan. How he had to move on because there was nothing for him in Newport anymore, nothing for him in California anymore, but how moving on was hard if the person you valued the most was back there, living their own life. Not needing you. He wanted to say it all, to get it all out there and dealt with. Instead, he said, "I wanted to, I just didn't know what to say."

Ryan looked at him. "Me neither."

His laptop started to play _How Good it Can Be_ by The 88. 

There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to kiss Ryan so badly it hurt. He moved his knee away and fiddled with his laptop, changing the song to something by Fiona Apple. No one would accidentally kiss their best friend to the dulcet tones of Fiona Apple. He leaned back and said, "How about the summer after next we do Europe? We could backpack."

Ryan paused for a moment and then said, "Would we have to do some weird-ass Ernest Hemmingway trail?"

Seth mused. "Probably. But we could go places Ernest Hemmingway never went. I like the idea of Croatia."

"Croatia?"

"Yeah, we could island hop. Matt showed me his pictures."

Ryan grinned. "Sure. It'd be fun."

Seth smiled and traced a pattern onto the carpet, suddenly warm. 

~*~

Time passed too quickly. They planned their summer in intricate detail, factoring in local attractions and making timetables and getting more maps. They went to the bookstore (bookshop Katie and Matt said, exasperatedly, watching the two of them in barely veiled amusement) and bought guides to the USA and started adding pencil marks and tabs and their own bookmarks. 

"We're really doing this, huh?" Seth asked. 

Ryan nudged him and smiled. "We really are."  
~*~

 _The most dangerous word in any human tongue is the word for brother_  
 _ **-Tennessee Williams**_

~*~

Friday was the last night of term, and just like every other Friday they were planning on going to the Student Union. They'd gone to pick up their tickets late in the afternoon, Ryan grinning at the scruffy decor and the peeling paintwork. It wasn't usually as obvious under the cover of darkness. 

They went back to hall via the pizza shop, eating slices on the way, the cheese solidifying in the freezing air. 

Later on they went to the pub first, sitting up on the balcony and doing the odd shot of tequila in between long vodkas and gin and tonics. Seth deliberately held back on the alcohol, hoping it wasn't obvious to Ryan what he was doing. 

Ryan was sitting at the other end of the table with Matt, drawing something on a napkin. Seth watched him. 

Katie leant over and nudged him. "What is it with you and Ryan?" she asked him quietly. 

Seth took a gulp of his drink, blushing. "What do you mean?"

Katie angled her chair away from Matt and Ryan's eye line. "I mean. You and Ryan. You never mentioned him, like deliberately. You showed us photos of your friends but we didn't have a clue what Ryan looked like until he got off the train. You told us that he was just some guy you once knew. And- Seth, he's not some guy you just met. Look at the two of you."

"What?"

"Seth." Katie sighed. "You're one of my best friends, right?"

Seth nodded tiredly. "Yeah."

"Look. You and Ryan. Was he your boyfriend before you came here? Is that it? You can tell me."

Seth choked loudly on his drink. "No," he said, trying to ignore both Ryan and Matt. "Really, no."

Katie eyed him carefully. "Okay. Are you sure?"

"You'd think I might have noticed." Seth said, still blushing furiously. "Plus, Summer would have probably have killed me." He rubbed his eyes, pressing the heels of his hands against his forehead in frustration. "I kind of-" he stopped, because it was the drink talking and Seth was definitely not drinking again. Ever. "I like him. It's one of the reasons I wanted to leave and come here to school. I couldn't-" he tailed off, staring down at his hands. 

"Seth-" Katie started.

"Do you think he knows, Katie?"

Katie covered his hand with her own. "It's pretty obvious, Seth."

Seth groaned. "This is so bad."

Katie shrugged. "Maybe not." She squeezed his hand. "It's pretty obvious to us that he likes you back."

Seth closed his eyes. "This is just. Bad. Worse than bad. Terrible."

"Why? You like him, he likes you. What's so bad about that?"

Seth finished his drink. "Sometimes things are just... complicated." He smiled sadly. "Sometimes things are just a bad idea."

"Are you sure?" Katie asked. "Because to me it seems like a really good idea. Seems like you both want it."

"There's stuff you don't know." He sighed and reached for his jacket. The others were getting up, heading off to the Student Union. "Falling for him-" he lowered his voice, "falling for Ryan was and is perhaps one of the stupidest things I've ever done. And Seth Cohen's done some pretty stupid stuff."

"Talking about yourself in the third person again, Seth?" Ryan had come up behind him. 

Seth shot a hurried, desperate glance at Katie. She shook her head at him. 

"The other way, madness lies," Seth said desperately. 

Katie hugged him. Seth held on tight and tried not to look at Ryan. "I'm gonna miss you, Seth," she said. "I'll call you. Over the holidays."

Seth closed his eyes. "Yeah." He thought it would be too complicated under any circumstances to try and explain Ryan's arrival into his family; the crime, the trouble, the alcoholic mothers and the gun-wielding, wannabe-rapist, drug-toting brother and the fact that Ryan might only be his foster brother but Seth's parents treated him like a son. The fact that Seth was in love with him.

Matt pulled them apart. "Goodbyes are for the morning, guys. Tonight we party."

Katie laughed. "Tonight we _party_." 

As they were leaving the pub, Ryan touched Seth in the small of his back. "You okay?"

Seth nodded confusedly. "Yeah, I think so." 

Ryan nodded. His hand didn't move. "Okay."

Seth looked at him for a moment, something strange and unfamiliar in Ryan's dark eyes. "Okay."

They got to the Union and ended up covering a table in the corner of the bar in their coats and scarves and belongings. Katie and Matt nudged them and told them to go dance and that they'd bring the drinks in after they braved the queue at the bar. Seth grinned and grabbed Ryan's elbow and dragged him in after him. "Come on," he said. "You're going to hate every moment of this."

Ryan laughed and followed him in. 

It was a heaving mass of over excited drunken students dancing to terrible cheesy music that Ryan wouldn't recognize even if it had jumped the ocean and made an impression stateside.

Ryan shook his head. "Seth. I don't dance. You know that."

Seth pretended not to hear. "You do tonight."

Ryan pulled away. "Seth,"

Seth stopped and turned around. "Ryan. Tonight we dance."

Ryan smiled slowly, but didn't move away. "Okay." 

"Okay." Seth grabbed his arm and pulled him into the throng. 

Katie and Matt found them five minutes later, dancing to S Club 7. Seth was doing his best impression of a crazy man, arms and legs everywhere, and Ryan was standing to one side, tapping a foot in a vague attempt at dancing. 

Katie snorted and handed out plastic cups of chilled vodka. Seth tried not to think of the vodka in their fridge back in Newport and eyed his carefully.

Ryan nudged him gently. "Seth."

Seth nodded. "I know. She's okay."

Ryan touched his shoulder. "We all are."

Seth wasn't so sure of that, but so what. He drained the best part of his glass and tried to smile. "Okay."

Katie grabbed Ryan by the hand. "Come on, Ryan, let's dance."

Matt laughed and started to wave his hands in the air. 

Seth wondered why he'd ever considered staying in America when he could have been here, with friends like this who danced to bad music and did normal things that didn't involve alcoholic mothers and alcoholic friends and guns and fights and comas and prisons. He remembered visiting Ryan in jail that first time, when he'd had the bruise on his neck and that guy had threatened Seth's mom. He finished his drink and dropped the cup on the floor to be kicked around with the hundreds of other ones over the course of the evening, and tried to tear his gaze away from Ryan, but he couldn't. 

Ryan turned to look at him, mid-enthusiastic dance with Katie, and he was all blond hair and sleepy eyes and he was _Ryan_ , and Seth was hard pressed to find a single reason why he ever, ever contemplated leaving him for any reason whatsoever. 

Not even a reason that included watching Trey's eyes roll back in his head and all the life seep out of Ryan in one foul swoop. 

Seth swallowed and tried to smile. 

Ryan pulled away from Katie and shouted over the music, "Come on Seth, I'm not dancing if you're not." He held his hand out, beckoning Seth closer. 

Seth grinned and tried not to think about Trey and Marissa and Summer and everything that came with being at home. 

Matt pushed him forward. Ryan beckoned him closer. 

Seth shook his head and grinned and danced like a mad thing to Girls Aloud. 

Ryan nudged him in his side. He said, "I'm holding this against you, you know. The dancing."

Seth draped his arm around Ryan's shoulder and shook his head. "I know you, Ryan. You love it really," he said against Ryan's ear as the music merged from _Sound of the Underground_ to Queen's _Don't Stop Me Now_. The air was sticky and sweat was beginning to pool in the hollow of Seth's back, sheening damply on his forehead. He grinned and shook his head, loving it. Everyone else was the same, jumping and hugging and dancing drunkenly to music that Seth wouldn't normally allow on his iPod, let alone be seen dancing to in public.

If there was one thing the Student Union wasn't, that thing was cool.

Ryan nudged him, and leaned in closer. "I know." he said, mouth pressed up against Seth's ear for a fleeting moment, and then he was watching Seth with a measured look on his face, suddenly still in the middle of a mass of people. 

Seth stopped jumping up and down. "Know what?"

Seth's arm was still around Ryan's shoulder. 

"I _know_ , Seth." Ryan leaned in again so that his breath was hot against Seth's ear.

"Know what?" Seth felt suddenly, ridiculously cold. He went still.

Ryan was staring at him. 

Seth tried to pull away, because Ryan wasn't saying anything, just staring across at him with this _look_ on his face. This was getting dangerously close to that line that Seth had promised himself he'd never cross. If Ryan kept looking at him the way he was looking at him now, all serious and crinkled round the edges because he'd had a couple of drinks, and close, far too close for comfort, then Seth was going to break every self-imposed rule he said he'd ever live by. He was just going to kiss Ryan and let him know how he felt about him. 

Seth was trying to do the right thing. He knew just how close he was to ruining everything, so he tried to do the right thing and pull away. 

Ryan grabbed hold of his arm, holding him still. "No, Seth." 

Seth shook his head. "Ryan-"

"Seth." 

Seth was a bit drunk and he was almost but not quite at that point where he'd ruin everything. Katie and Matt were staring at them unabashedly, and Seth was belatedly trying to forget he'd ever met them because in about thirty seconds time - if Ryan didn't let him walk away - Seth was just going to royally fuck up and kiss him. 

Seth was refusing to look at him, downright refusing because his head was still vaguely in control at this point and telling him this was a stupid, stupid thing to do. 

"Seth," Ryan said again, his fingers around Seth's wrist, holding him still.

Seth wouldn't be able to forgive himself for this. This wasn't just sleeping with Summer or two-timing Anna and Summer or harboring a not-so-secret geek crush on Zach for approximately the whole of his junior year. Falling for Ryan was bad enough, but acting on it was about a thousand times worse. 

Seth rubbed his forehead, and to the irredeemably embarrassing soundtrack of _Uptown Girl_ by Westlife, he looked up and met Ryan's gaze. 

"I'm sorry," Ryan told him, seriously. His hands were on Seth's back, finding their way down towards Seth's ass, and he was close enough that his breath on Seth's cheek was making him shiver. "I don't want to let your parents down but I can't not do this any longer."

Seth sort of thought that he didn't really want to think about his parents right now, not when he had his hands on the front of Ryan's shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin through the cotton. Plus, you know, Seth was more in the wrong. His parents gave him the only thing he'd ever craved and Seth went to repay them by wanting to kiss his own foster brother. 

"Way to put a dampener on the mood, Ry," Seth said after a moment, loudly so that Ryan could hear him over the music. "Can we not think about my parents?"

Ryan rested his forehead against Seth's. "Sure."

Seth's nose nudged Ryan's. He could see Katie and Matt out of the corner of his eye, standing stock still and watching them curiously, mid-dance. 

Seth breathed and kissed Ryan and his hands came up to twist in Ryan's hair at the nape of his neck as Ryan kissed back, mouth opening beneath the pressure of Seth's tongue. _God_. He was so _hot_ , his skin burning and trembling beneath Seth's fingertips. Seth was making out with Ryan on a dance floor as the DJ played Queen and Seth knew that this had to be some sort of alternate universe because every single thing about this was wrong. The smell of hot bodies and stale alcohol and the floor sticky with spilt drinks beneath his feet. The fact that Ryan was kissing him. Hard. 

Seth's skin burnt, and it was only partially with embarrassment for finally giving in and making out with Ryan right in front of his friends. Ryan's hand was heavy in the curve of his back, pressing him closer. They stopped for breath, staring at each other for a long moment. 

Ryan said, "Your parents- I'm sorry."

Seth stopped him. "Look. Let's-" he stopped. "Let's just not think about it. Just for tonight, let's just. Forget about everything else. We can deal with everything else later."

Ryan looked at him, weighing things up. "Okay," he said finally, nodding. 

Seth nodded back, reaching for him, the palm of his hand flat against the back of Ryan's neck. 

"D'you know," Seth started, and he wanted to say, _do you know how long I've wanted to do this?_ But he couldn't, because he didn't want to admit to that, even now.

Ryan nodded, his grip tightening on Seth's hip. "I know," he said. 

Seth had a sinking feeling that he probably did. 

Ryan kissed him again, hard and hot and wet and desperate, and Seth wondered how he could have ever thought that just running away would mean he stopped wanting this. It didn't matter that most of the time Seth just wanted things to be normal, that he just wanted to go for a burger and skate on the pier and maybe go for a sail. Sometimes he just wanted to see what Ryan tasted like, and now he knew, and he never wanted to stop.

And it seemed that sometimes Ryan felt exactly the same way. 

Seth couldn't breathe again and he pulled away, swallowing desperately. Katie and Matt were still staring, dancing and staring, but he didn't care. For one night only, he wasn't going to care and he was going to have what he wanted, and he wanted Ryan. Who seemed to want him back. 

Ryan nudged him, nose to nose. He said, "Seth," and Seth couldn't help it. 

Seth hated clichés but it appeared that he couldn't help being one. He said, _Ryan, Ry,_ sort of like he couldn't figure out what was happening. He remembered Summer and what it was like to kiss her, what it was like to have her, and he clung to Ryan harder. 

Ryan let him cling for a moment before pulling away. "It's okay," he said, and maybe it was, just for tonight. They could figure out the answers to everything else another time. Tonight they could have what they wanted.

Ryan's hand rested in the small of Seth's back, stroking in tiny circles as the music moved, a hip-hop jerk rhythm that stuttered against the air as the people around them danced. 

Seth looked at Ryan. Really looked at him. Took in the way his hair fell over his eyebrow, the slope of his eyes and the curve of his smile. They were friends and sometimes friendship got confused and wanted to be something else for a while. This was one of those nights where everything blurred and the lines shifted and everything changed forever. It was a relief to know that Seth wasn't the only one of them who'd felt this stifling, underlying tension to their friendship, occasionally too close for comfort. He'd never been able to fill the gap where Ryan had been. 

"Stop thinking, Seth," Ryan said. "Just for tonight. We'll figure it out tomorrow, I promise. How to make it work. "

And Seth couldn't help but trust him, so he pressed forward and kissed Ryan again, right there on the dance floor. They kissed up against the wall by the side of the dance floor, and again in the line for the bar. Seth had seen enough of Ryan and his various girlfriends over the years to know that Ryan liked making out, and Seth liked it too. Seth was definitely all for savoring everything about the night since they had to leave in the morning and who knew what would happen then? 

Ryan kissed him again, over and over until they had to pull away to catch their breath, and Seth's gaze was locked with Ryan's. He couldn't hide his joy. Seth licked his swollen lips and laughed a breath and touched Ryan's jaw with his fingers. Ryan smiled at him and they kissed again, kissing until the music finally stopped and the lights went up and people started filing towards the exits. 

They pulled apart, awkward and a little self conscious in the bright light. Seth pulled at his jeans. 

Katie and Matt were waiting for them, and Seth blushed but didn't say anything. Ryan bit his lip and stuffed his hands in his pockets and stayed quiet. They stood there, like rabbits in the headlights, until Matt just took a breath and said, "Why, Seth, you look thoroughly molested. What can you have been up to?"

Katie snorted, and Ryan nudged Seth with the whole of his upper arm, his mouth curving into a smile. Seth looked at the floor, embarrassed by the obvious affection in Ryan's look, and stuffed his hands in his back pockets. Ryan put his arm around Seth's shoulders and pulled Seth to him, kissing his temple. 

Seth blushed, and said "Dude. Dude. Ryan." He didn't pull away. His skin tingled.

Katie just laughed. 

Everyone was drunk and clinging on to each other, so it took a while for them to file out of the union. Ryan didn't move his arm from around Seth's shoulders - except for those few moments when they were putting their coats on and fiddling with hats and scarves in readiness for the brisk December cold - and when they got outside, Seth's arm found its way around Ryan's waist. Ryan pressed closer again, hugging Seth to him. It felt incredible; it felt amazing. Seth felt like he was flying. 

Katie and Matt wanted to know if they were being gooseberries, but strangely they weren't. Seth had to explain to Ryan that it meant _third wheel_ , which was the closest equivalent he could think of right now. They were Seth's best friends in Scotland, and Ryan was everything, and he wanted to see the ocean for the last time so they stuck together once they'd left the union. They walked down to the Scores - the road that meandered its way along the cliffs, houses and university departments on either side of the road, the castle at one end and the eighteenth hole of the Royal and Ancient golf course at the other. They stopped at Castle Sands, not going down the steps to the beach but leaning over the railings on the cliff top. Seth kissed Ryan impulsively, grinning, and Ryan kissed back, running a gloved hand down Seth's cheek. Matt and Katie made loud comments about their friends making out in front of them - except they didn't say _making out_ , they said things like pulling, and snogging, and getting it on. 

Seth stuck his middle finger up at them and they all laughed, and Seth kissed the cold tip of Ryan's nose. Katie elbowed him and said, "Told you so." 

Ryan threw Seth a quizzical look, but Seth just leaned into Ryan's side and stayed quiet.

They sat on the pier wall, legs hanging over the edge. It was possibly colder than either Ryan or Seth could ever remember experiencing, but Ryan's hand was on Seth's thigh and Seth wished he never had to go home and wouldn't have to pretend this never happened. 

They talked about nothing for a while, and Seth realized that he was enjoying himself, except for the part where he was worried that this might be it. They might talk about it in the morning and decide that one night was all they could ever be. He didn't want to think about it, and he hid his face in the curve of Ryan's cold neck, wishing that everything could just be okay. His parents could miraculously deal with him and Ryan in a relationship. He and Ryan could miraculously _be_ in a relationship. They wouldn't live half a world apart. 

Ryan tugged him closer with an arm around Seth's shoulders, and when Katie and Matt finally made their excuses, Seth didn't try to stop them from going. They hadn't even got off the pier and on to the path back up to town before Ryan had cupped Seth's cheek in his gloved hand and they were kissing again. 

Katie shouted something from the path but Seth didn't catch it and he didn't really want to stop and ask her to repeat it. Seth was already beginning to not be as content as he was half an hour ago to just make out. Ryan didn't look like he was, either, and Seth was suddenly aware that he was hard and uncomfortable in his jeans, as well as being stupidly cold.

"Let's go," Seth said, sliding his hand into Ryan's.

Ryan looked at their entwined fingers and swallowed before nodding. "Yeah," he said, and they clambered up off the wall and took a moment to just wrap their arms around each other and not say anything. Seth was never this quiet. It felt weird, but being that close to Ryan felt amazing, so he figured he'd leave the analysis until later.

They didn't touch much once they got back to Seth's hall. There was still a lot of noise because even though it was after two in the morning, no one was being that polite about keeping the noise down because it was the last night of term and everyone had to be out of hall by eleven the following day. The airport taxi was coming far earlier for Seth and Ryan, though. So much earlier that it was barely worth going to sleep, if Seth was truly honest. 

Seth locked the door behind them once they got up to his room. He fiddled with his laptop, plugging his iPod into its station and trying to find appropriate music. Unfortunately Seth had never created a Seth-and-Ryan-get-up-close-and-personal playlist, so he had to settle for something mellow instead. 

Ryan was behind him, his hands on Seth's hips, fingertips sliding up underneath Seth's sweater, his fingers sliding across Seth's belly towards the button fly of his jeans. 

Seth said, "Ryan," - because really, this was the last chance to back out. There was no way out and back to Marissa and Summer and the way things were if they did this; everything was going to change. 

Ryan didn't stop. He just said, "You'd better turn Captain Oats to face the wall."

It sort of figured that the only two people he'd ever really loved - Summer and Ryan - understood about Captain Oats. Anna had thought Captain Oats was cool, but she had never really got why Seth needed him. Summer had Princess Sparkle, so that was basically the meeting of two minds. And Ryan just, well, he seemed to understand. 

Still, Seth totally didn't expect Ryan to say that; he snorted a laugh before he could catch himself and he twisted in Ryan's arms, reaching up for another kiss. It was weird how easy it was to do that, considering that this was the first night they'd ever done any of this. Ryan kissed him back, cupping Seth's face in his hands and Seth felt himself melt. He felt like cooked spaghetti, his legs wobbling. He pushed Ryan back against the bed, tumbling down against the sheets. 

Ryan pulled away to lean over and turn Captain Oats to the wall. 

Seth thought of all the times he'd jerked off in this bed, and he kind of thought that that wasn't the kind of thing he needed to be telling Ryan, except judging by the way Ryan was biting Seth's neck and sticking his hand down Seth's pants, it might have just been the exact thing Ryan wanted to hear. Seth thought that with all his gay experience, making out with Ryan wasn't like making out with other boys. Seth could say this with great authority having made out with exactly two boys before Ryan; one on the way to Portland when he sold his boat and a guy with a fro just like Seth's had bought him a milkshake and talked beatnik with him, and one at a Bop the week after Summer had left. 

Ryan wasn't anything like Seth's women. He wasn't like Summer, who was beautiful and gorgeous and curvy and soft and oh-so hot, or Alex, who was hot in a different way and knew her way around the bedroom. He was just- Ryan. So when he shuffled down the bed and tugged at Seth's Superman boxers like he expected nothing less, Seth somehow knew that things were going to go just fine. 

Ryan may or may not have given a blow job before this one, but Seth couldn't figure out whether Ryan was just going slow or if he was learning with every breath. Seth thought back to the first time he slept with Summer; to the _noises_ , and the _whimpering_ , and the _oh my god oh my god Summer this is it cowabunga_ (he's always sort of hoped that he said cowabunga strictly inside his head, but there's a pretty good chance that he said it out loud and Summer's just blanked the whole sorry experience from her mind). 

Seth whimpered as Ryan blew him, his hands clutching the bedclothes in clammy handfuls, utterly unable to stay still. He writhed on the mattress, and he was embarrassed but it really didn't matter because it wasn't making Ryan stop what he was doing. Seth said, _ah, uh, Ry-_ and Ryan was pulling away as Seth shook and came over Ryan's chin and chest and on his own stomach. 

Seth was embarrassed enough to look horrified, but Ryan just looked oddly satisfied.

He rolled over next to Seth and wiped his chin with Seth's boxers. He was laughing, which was a good sign, but still. Seth was embarrassed. He sort of wanted to return the favor and blow Ryan, but he'd never actually given a blow job before and he was pretty sure that he was just going to mess it up. Seth was pretty self-assured half the time, but he'd stumbled into his insecure territory what with all of the getting to kiss Ryan stuff, and he wanted to stick to what he knew best. And God knows Seth's bed had seen enough jerking off.

Seth said, "Ryan, I -" and Ryan clambered up the bed and on top of Seth and shut him up with a kiss. Seth kissed back and then he was grabbing Ryan's erection, but Ryan hissed as Seth began to jerk him off and it wasn't a good hiss. 

He said, "Too dry, Seth," and Seth didn't have a clue at first, until he realized that Ryan must be one of those people who needed lube to jerk off. Which was all very well except for the fact that Seth was one of those people who _didn't_. Seth sort of liked the friction. And Seth wasn't the sort of boy to feel the need to keep lube in his bedside drawer, so he was sort of stuck looking wildly around his room for a substitute.

Ryan smirked when he got it. He kissed Seth, shucked up onto his knees and reached across to Seth's shelves to pick up Seth's conditioner. Seth might shun Newport and all it stood for, but he was enough of Kirsten Cohen's son and Summer Robert's ex to know about hair care. Plus, he kind of liked his hair when it wasn't frizzy, thank you very much. So, he had top quality conditioner and he wasn't afraid to use it. Well, he sort of was because this was Ryan, who was probably getting his rocks off when he was thirteen or something. When Seth was thirteen he was playing with Captain Oats and reading comic books and imagining Summer talking to him at school. Ryan was probably having sex somewhere. 

Seth sometimes got paranoid when he was nervous. 

Ryan just said, "Seth," and held the conditioner out with one eyebrow raised. Seth shrugged his shoulder and held out his hand so that Ryan could squirt a large dollop of coconut flavored conditioner onto Seth's palm. 

Giving someone else a hand job was a complicated business, Seth realized about thirty seconds in. It was all very well knowing that Seth liked running his thumb across the head, but Ryan had a foreskin and Seth didn't (this wasn't brain surgery, he told himself, it was basically the sex equivalent of Chrismukkah, and somebody needed to shut his brain up) and he was all at the wrong angle. Still, Ryan was sort of whimpering and he had his eyes half closed and he was flushed, which was possibly the hottest thing that Seth had ever seen, so he was hardly to blame for pushing Ryan onto his back and straddling him and kissing him - long, sloppy, wet and just about perfect, with Ryan groaning into his mouth and Seth's hand between Ryan's legs. 

Ryan came with a gasp that sounded like _Seth_. 

Seth collapsed on top of him, sticky and hard again and having sex in Scotland was not like having sex in California. For one thing, it was freezing, and even with the sweaty comedown Seth was beginning to shiver. Ryan, who was stretched out beneath him, leaned over and pulled the comforter up and over them. It was too hot under the blanket, but it was too cold outside of it and Seth had never been one to like the cold. 

Seth - because he was clearly an idiot - said, "So, Ryan, no fish noises," - which was because he was thinking about sex with Summer, and it was sort of like saying _look dad, no hands_. 

Ryan clearly wasn't thinking about Seth having sex with Summer, though, because he just looked confused - flushed and confused, but confused nonetheless. Seth rolled his eyes and started talking again, because he had had a few months off being Seth Cohen. He sort of felt like for months there had been a great big wall inside of him and he had been stuck on one side of it and the real world was on the other side and he hadn't been able to ever make himself heard. 

So Seth was talking, because he hadn't in a while, and he was saying things like, "That was pretty damn amazing, Ryan, and amazing is probably an understatement, because that was basically the best blowjob stroke hand job ever and do you think we're like Wolverine and Rogue in the Bryan Singer movies?" Which accidentally segued into a monologue on ignoring the third film and then backwards into a soliloquy about how Ryan was obviously Wolverine because _hello_ , obvious problems with authority and falling in love with the wrong girl and underlying sexual tension with the wrong person who'd never been able to make friends properly, what with the electrifying skin touch and everything. Seth may not have had an excuse like draining people of their lifeblood as a reason for not having any friends before Ryan came along, but still. Ryan came along and he was a bit like a savior, which was why Seth got to be Rogue. Even though it meant he had to be a girl, which was probably a great big metaphor somewhere down the line. Not that he cared, because Rogue was fucking _awesome_ , third movie aside, and if he got to be Rogue to Ryan's Wolverine then he could die happy. 

Then Seth said, "Oh, oh!" which could only mean trouble. 

Ryan rolled his eyes and said, "What, Seth?" 

Seth grinned and said, "Hugh Jackman was in musicals too, so it's like the Ryan and Wolverine show -"

Ryan stopped him with a kiss, which was a little too clichéd for Seth's liking. Ryan said, "Shut up, Seth," which again was a little clichéd, but basically Seth had always been a bit of a cliché no matter how hard he tried to be anything but.

Seth opened his mouth to tell Ryan that, but it was muffled because Ryan was kissing him again, and Ryan's tongue was in Seth's mouth and his hand was on Seth's cock and Seth stopped thinking at all. 

~*~

Seth's alarm went off at five fifteen, which left them three quarters of an hour to grab a shower, stuff the remains of their belongings into holdalls and suitcases and backpacks and be downstairs in the foyer by six to meet Katie and Matt and the airport taxi. Neither Seth nor Ryan made a move as the alarm started to go off; it was a loud beep followed by an uncomfortable segue into Radio One and they didn't move a muscle. Ryan was squashed up against the wall, Seth lying on his side in the curve of Ryan's arm. They were naked and sticky and they had got the comforter pulled up to their chins because it was colder outside the blanket than it was hot inside the cocoon. 

They had only been in bed about two hours, and most of that had been spent kissing and touching and making each other come. They didn't fuck; Ryan blew him. Twice. Seth had kissed and licked his way down Ryan's stomach until he got down to Ryan's erection, but his courage failed him at the last minute and he just breathed on the head until Ryan begged him to touch him. The room smelt like come and sex and sweat. 

Seth said, "Can we just pretend the alarm never went off?"

"We'll miss the plane," Ryan said, but he still didn't move.

Seth didn't actually care if it meant he could stay here with Ryan, but he rolled out of bed and towards the door, flipping the latch so they didn't lock themselves out. He grabbed a towel to sling around himself and he was half way down the corridor with his shampoo, conditioner and shower gel in one hand before he realized he was freezing cold, he'd forgotten his robe and he'd used his conditioner as lube about two hours ago. He hadn't gotten any sleep and he was about to fly home to his parents and he had kissed Ryan and given him more than one hand job and they'd rubbed and touched and stroked their way to more orgasms than he could count. Okay, he could count and it was about five, but still. He was glad he was young. And that the plane trip was 8 hours long or whatever, because Seth needed his sleep. 

And if this was strictly a one-time thing then he needed to forget this had ever happened, because there was no way that he could go back to how things were if he still remembered last night. Seth swallowed and decided not to touch Ryan again until they were safely back in Casa Cohen and things could get back to normal. 

He showered for too long and by the time he got back to the room Ryan was already showered, dressed, in jeans and boots and a hoody and was busy zipping the remains of his belongings into his holdall. Seth stood watching him for a moment, and he suddenly felt so fucking bereft, like he was giving up on something great. His breath caught in his throat and he pulled on his jeans and his sneakers, suddenly embarrassed about being naked in front of Ryan. 

He was mostly packed; Ryan had made him do it yesterday afternoon, so all he had to do was get dressed and put Captain Oats in his hand luggage and make sure he had his iPod and laptop and cell phone and charger and that he hadn't forgotten anything vital like his passport. 

Ryan was standing watching him, great coat over his arm. He said _Seth_ on more than one occasion but Seth just ignored him, wrapping his scarf around his neck and putting his iPod in his side pocket and checking he had enough money for the taxi. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. What if this was all Ryan wanted, this one night, _this_. 

He couldn't bear it, so he grabbed his bag and opened the door so that Ryan could go out first. 

~*~

They were in the foyer a couple of minutes early, Seth on one side by the radiator, his suitcase and his backpack propped up beside him. Ryan was by the stairs, rubbing his lip with one finger and probably wondering why the hell he'd bothered. Matt and Katie had a bag each; Matt was flying to Stansted to meet his brother, who would drive him back to Yorkshire on Christmas Eve after a few days painting London red. Katie was flying to Dublin to see her friend, who would then put her on a bus down the coast on Monday so she could get the ferry back to Pembrokeshire. Ryan and Seth were flying to Manchester and from Manchester to LAX. From LAX to Kirsten and Sandy's. Home. The pool house. Summer and Chrismukkah and Marissa and everything he'd run from. Seth rubbed his forehead tiredly with his palm. 

Katie said, "Are you ok? Seth?" 

Ryan looked up and across at him and he looked as tired as Seth felt. It hardly seemed possible that an hour ago they were making each other come and kissing like they never had to stop. It didn't seem fair that it might be over. 

"Seth?" Katie said again, but the taxi arrived and beeped its horn and they stumbled across the yard to put their stuff in the trunk. 

It was an hour's drive to the airport and Seth stared out of the window as St Andrews rumbled by; he watched the lights of Leuchars airbase glint off the water as they drove past the estuary. Ryan was sitting beside him and their knees touched. 

Katie fell asleep driving through Cupar and Matt snored on her shoulder. Seth let his head fall back onto the headrest and wondered how everything got so fucked up. 

Ryan reached for his hand right about the time they joined the motorway towards Edinburgh. Seth swallowed and squeezed back, desperately wishing that he didn't feel anything for Ryan. 

He didn't let go and neither did Ryan. Neither of them said anything. 

They didn't pull away as Katie and Matt woke up, or as the taxi pulled up in the drop-off area at the airport. They stood in the line for check-in and tried to laugh across at Matt and Katie in their own lines, with their own suitcases and bags and Seth thought that everything was just too surreal. 

~*~

After they'd checked in, they waited by the escalator for Matt and Katie to finish up in their lines, and Ryan made a desperate noise in his throat and tugged Seth closer, into a hug. 

Seth came easily, wrapping his arms around Ryan's waist. He hid his face in Ryan's coat and Ryan kissed his forehead. 

Matt's plane left first, so they saw him to his gate and Katie clung to him and Seth hugged him and Ryan shook his hand. Matt said, "Good to meet you, Ryan." 

"Same," Ryan said, with a tired smile. "It's been good." 

Seth rubbed his eyes and eyed the coffee shop, and tried not to think about Ryan's hand in his. 

Once Matt left, they sat at a tiny table in the corner of the cafe, their hand luggage crushed under the table and beside their chairs. Katie leaned against the wall and swirled a cappuccino around in silence. Ryan tapped his spoon against the saucer of his Americano, and Seth drank his tall skinny mocha while it was too hot and it made his throat burn. 

"Seth," Ryan started. 

Seth shook his head. "I know. I just - I know. We go home and pretend nothing happened. I know."

Ryan stirred his coffee. Katie eyed them both with undisguised interest; Seth tried not to meet her eyes. "I don't want to let Kirsten and Sandy down," Ryan said, after a moment. "But I don't want to lose you either."

 _We already have let them down_ , Seth thought _._ Instead, he shrugged. "We'd turn Kirsten to drink," he said, and he tried to laugh. 

Ryan blanched and Seth wished he'd never spoken.

 _"_ I've got to get something to read on the flight," Seth said, abruptly, and he went to W.H. Smith and thumbed the paperbacks and tried to get rid of the taste of Ryan on his tongue. 

~*~

On the plane, Ryan held his hand under the blanket and didn't say much. Seth fell asleep as they left Manchester and didn't wake up for hours. 

~*~

Katie emailed him over Chrismukkah, but Seth didn't reply. He was busy pretending he and Ryan were just the same as they ever were; drinking in the Bait Shop and skating on the pier and looking bored at more of the Newpsie charity events than he could ever remember attending before. Summer talked to him and hit him around the head with a copy of _People_ and looked beautiful. At first she was pissed, but when she saw Ryan hugging Marissa and looking like he might be getting friendly with one of the waitresses out the back of the Yacht Club Charity Ball, she held Seth's hand and let him squeeze it as hard as he wanted to without complaining. 

It didn't help that Ryan kept looking over at him, that Ryan kept trying to talk to him and invite him out places so that they could be alone. That Ryan didn't get friendly with the waitress at the Yacht Club Charity Ball, that he came home alone and tried to talk to Seth. None of that helped. It just made it hurt more, being back. 

~*~

Ryan gave him jewelry for Chrismukkah. It wasn't jewelry in the real sense, it was a bracelet and a necklace and it was kind of perfect and like nothing Seth owned already. The bracelet was made up of intertwining faded black soft leather thongs, twisted round in rings and knotted on the curve. The necklace was a circle of surfing beads and Seth was so overwhelmed when he found them on his pillow late on Chrismukkah Eve that he sat down on his bed and talked to Captain Oats without stopping for breath for at least fifteen minutes.

Ryan must have left them there when Seth had been down in the kitchen indulging in some quality Sandy and Kirsten time. Seth wasn't really one for jewelry of any kind, but this was the kind of thing that Ryan wore - cool and defining. He felt weird as he tried them on, sort of like his insides were squashed up around his throat. He didn't notice that there was a note folded up underneath the package until he tried to go to bed. 

In Ryan's handwriting it said, _always, Seth, always_. 

For a moment, Seth couldn't even breathe.

He went down to the pool house but the lights were off and the blinds drawn. It wasn't that late, so Seth was pretty sure that Ryan wasn't asleep, but he went back in the house anyway. He lay on the couch and watched reruns of the Golden Girls and tried to figure out what to do for the best. He wondered if Ryan would like Seth's gift as much as Seth liked his. His brain said _always, Seth, always_ over and over in a loop.

Seth had spent hours in Barnes and Noble picking out books for their scheduled Ryan and Seth time in the summer. He'd picked out the beat books, the ones that talked about being young and travelling the globe. He'd picked out Ernest Hemingway and his own copy of _On The Road_ and even _The Beach_ although that was really beyond the cliché. He'd picked out guidebooks and travel journals that Ryan wouldn't ever write in. And then he'd put it all back again and gone to the department store that Summer always said she'd love to buy out, and he'd bought a box. A wooden box, like a small chest, and he'd bought a map of America and a copy of a European guidebook and a pack of post its and a red pen. Then he'd put it all in the box and wrapped it in Spiderman wrapping paper and put it under the Chrismukkah tree and he'd gone back to holding Summer's hand and trying not to fall apart because he was in love with Ryan and it was beginning to look a lot like Ryan loved him back. 

Summer had said, "I hope I'm getting a good Chrismukkah present for being this good a shoulder," and Seth had spent all his allowance on buying out the department store and wrapping it up in more of the same Spiderman wrapping paper and wishing he loved Summer more of the time and Ryan less of the time. 

Seth waited up until two in the morning, but the lights stayed off in the pool house. 

~*~

When Seth came downstairs the next morning, he was wearing the necklace and the bracelet under his sweater and as they sat down to a breakfast of bagels and bacon and strong, hot coffee, he pulled up his sleeve so that Ryan could see. Ryan nodded at him, his cheeks flushed, and when Kirsten started to talk to him about his work at the engineering firm, Ryan clearly wasn't paying attention. 

Under the table, Ryan's foot touched Seth's, and Seth's breath caught. His gaze locked with Ryan's and he couldn't look away. He was so in love with Ryan it hurt. 

He tried to cover his tracks by talking nineteen to the dozen because he was in love with Ryan and Ryan was sitting opposite him and he had no idea how to deal with that, just no idea at all. 

Ryan stared down at his plate. Seth's parents weren't stupid, they knew that something was wrong, but Seth just couldn't stop talking long enough for them to get a word in. He reached for a bagel and Ryan leaned over and closed his fingers around Seth's wrist. 

Seth froze, mid-word.

"Seth," Ryan said, softly. 

"Ryan," Seth managed. Ryan's fingertips were touching Seth's bracelet.

Ryan curled his fingers into Seth's, and squeezed. Then he looked at Sandy and Kirsten, and said, "I'm in love with Seth."

Seth choked on his OJ. "Fuck," he said. 

"Seth," Kirsten said, in a quiet voice. 

"Uh," Seth said. His hand was still in Ryan's, and Ryan was holding on grimly. Ryan wasn't letting go and Seth thought that if he let go now he might drown, so he kept holding on. "I love him too," he said, and his voice shook, because he was saying it out loud for the first time ever, and he meant it so fucking much. "I'm in love with him, too."

It was a bit like waiting for the sky to fall.

"This is why you weren't talking?" Sandy asked, finally. 

"Yes," Ryan said, still holding on.

Kirsten's voice caught. "Oh," she said. "Oh." She made an abortive move towards the fridge - towards the _wine_ , Seth realized, and blanched. "We need to go for a drive," she said, to Sandy. "Somewhere where there isn't a fridge. Now would be good."

Sandy nodded. "I'll get the keys," he said, and when he stood up he leaned over and kissed the top of Seth's head, then Ryan's. Ryan was still holding Seth's hand. 

"Mom," Seth said, desperately.

Kirsten let out a breath. "I'll talk to you both when we get back, okay? Just. Give me some time out of the house." Her hands were shaking. "I love you both," she said, but she didn't meet their eyes.

"Got them," Sandy said, coming back into the room and showing Kirsten his car keys. "Back in a while, boys," he said, and he smiled at them both, although the lines around his eyes were strained.

"So," Seth said, once the front door had closed. "That went well. Didn't you think that went well? Couldn't have gone better, I thought. I liked it when Mom went for the booze, that might have been my favorite part-"

"Seth," Ryan said, quietly. "I love you."

Seth's face slackened. "I go to school half way around the world," he said, because he _did_. 

"I don't go to school anywhere," Ryan said, with a shrug. "But I will."

Seth swallowed. "Where are you going to go?" he asked. "You know, when you do go."

Ryan shrugged again. He slid his fingers into Seth's, and squeezed his hand. "I hear Scotland's pretty nice at this time of year."

"Oh my _god_ ," Seth managed. "Are you serious?"

Ryan stood up and walked around the table to where Seth was sitting. He held his hand out, and Seth clutched at it, breathless and suddenly scared. "If your parents say yes," Ryan said, pulling Seth up and out of his chair. "If you'll have me."

"They're your parents too," Seth said, because he was too busy nodding at Ryan and saying _yes_.

Ryan nodded, and tugged Seth closer, into a hug. "I think they'll understand," he said, finally, into the curve of Seth's neck. "I think they'll come around to us."

"Us?" Seth asked, because he still felt like he was in shock. "There's an us?"

Ryan nodded. "Yes," he said, and Seth let out a breath. 

"Thank _fuck_ ," he said, and cupped Ryan's face in his hands. He pressed his mouth to Ryan's and tried not to fall over. "I love you," he said, because he was counting and Ryan had said it one more time than he had. 

Ryan tugged him in for another kiss, and Seth laughed against his mouth. 

~*~

They were sprawled out across the couch when their parents got home, Seth with his head pillowed on Ryan's chest, Ryan with one hand under Seth's Chrismukkah sweater. They sat up when the front door opened, awkward and unsure, but Kirsten waved them down. 

"We wish you'd told us," she said, shaking her head. "We were so worried about you both."

"I'm sorry we hid it," Ryan said. "We didn't mean to."

"We were just too busy trying to pretend it wasn't happening," Seth admitted, and Ryan curled his fingers around Seth's wrist. 

Kirsten made a face. "Why doesn't that surprise me," she said. 

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, in a quiet voice. He reached for Seth's hand. 

"I'm good," Kirsten said. "Just a momentary waver. Under control now."

"Is there -" Seth stumbled over the words. "A meeting? Do you need to go to a meeting?"

Kirsten lifted her chin into the air. "Yes," she said, softly. "Your dad is going to drive me. But we need to talk to you two first."

"We can wait," Seth said, awkwardly. 

"No," Kirsten said. "You can't."

Sandy slid his arm around Kirsten's waist. "We wish you'd told us," he said, regretfully. "We worried about you kids."

"We're happy," Ryan said, which was kind of a weird thing to say because they hadn't actually had a chance to _be_ happy yet, but it was the truth nonetheless. Seth _was_ happy. He had a life of his own over in Scotland, now, and he wasn't stuck in Newport being miserable anymore. And he had Ryan, who was his, and who loved him back. 

"Yeah," Seth echoed. "We are."

"Okay," Kirsten said, after a moment. "You do realize that every single person in Newport is going to roll around in this gossip for _months_ , right?"

"Yep," Seth said, with a grin. 

"You were sent to try us," Sandy said, but his eyes were smiling, and Seth let out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding. 

"It's okay?" Seth asked, hesitantly. 

"It's okay," Sandy said. He leaned over and touched Ryan's shoulder. "You're both our boys, okay? And this is a little weird. It's going to take some time to get used to it. To you. But we will."

Seth nodded, but kept a tight hold of Ryan's hand. "Good," he said, breathlessly. "Good."

~*~

Later on, Ryan came to find Seth outside. Seth was sprawled on a float in the pool, one hand trailing in the water, his shorts low on his hips. 

Ryan put his hands in his pockets, and nodded. "You okay?" he asked. 

"Peachy keen," Seth said, shielding his eyes to keep the sun out. "Mom and Dad gone?"

"Yeah," Ryan said, rocking up on to his heels. 

Seth tilted his chin up, and smiled. "Are you going to get in, or are you just going to stand there and look at my manly physique?"

Ryan snorted, rolling his eyes.

"My manly physique is totally manly," Seth maintained, squaring his shoulders. The float rocked precariously, and Seth tried to keep his balance. He might be done with Newport, but it was nice to take advantage of its sunshine every now and again. It was a good place to visit. A good place to come home to. A good place to leave. He grinned at Ryan, wide-mouthed and happy.

"Totally manly," Ryan agreed, after a moment, and pulled his shirt over his head. Seth tried not to make some kind of involuntary noise, because Ryan was totally hot, and he was _Seth's_. Everything was amazing. He'd replied to Katie's messages, and sent Matt a text, and his parents hadn't thrown him and Ryan out on to the streets - not that he'd thought they _would_ , but they could have. Seth had seen the TV shows. 

Ryan toed off his flip flops and jumped, cannonball-style, into the pool. The float overturned and Seth got tipped, flailing, into the water. 

"You," he said, spluttering and pushing the hair out of his eyes as he came up for air. " _You_."

"You love me," Ryan said, swimming closer and backing Seth up against the edge of the pool. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Seth's neck, licking a stripe across Seth's skin. "You love me."

"You love _me_ ," Seth said, sliding his arms around Ryan's neck.

"I do," Ryan agreed, with a smile, and touched his mouth to Seth's. 

Seth made a happy, contented noise that meant, _I am so completely happy with my life right now,_ and kissed Ryan back. 

[end]


End file.
